[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey, you're listening to the Brown Girl Self Care podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: My name is Bri, I'm the host of the show, as well as the founder of Brown Girl Self Care.
[SPEAKER_00]: Brown Girl Self Care is a platform and space of intentional healing, joy, rest, and abundance for Black women.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go ahead and get into today's episode as a reminder, in last week's episode, as we kind of round out this month of December, this final month of 2025,
[SPEAKER_00]: Just doing a bit of unmasking, allowing yourself to be your authentic self remembering the things that kind of gave you a spark and reminding yourself remembering who you are and what things made you you right because I think that a lot of times we forget.
[SPEAKER_00]: We forget that, at least in my healing journey, in myself, self-care, excuse me, journey, that's definitely something I have questioned, like, who am I?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who am I without the mask?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who am I?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or who would I have been had I not been brought into certain circumstances?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who would I have been without the trauma?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who would I have been without the, the just growing up in the systems of like,
[SPEAKER_00]: racism and and living under the white gaze.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a product of the 70s.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a 70s baby.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that is very
[SPEAKER_00]: entrenched in who I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's what we talked about last week.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you hadn't had a chance to listen to last week's episode, don't feel some kind of way about hitting pause on this one going back to that one and giving it a listen and then listening to this one if you so desire.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, but that is where we were and this is where we're going now.
[SPEAKER_00]: This week kind of piggybacking off of last week's episode, we want to talk about
[SPEAKER_00]: the things that are necessary, as you are learning to come into your own, as you are learning how to be your authentic self, which is a journey.
[SPEAKER_00]: As you are learning and remembering and reminding yourself of who you are and who you want to be and kind of
[SPEAKER_00]: getting back in touch with your spirit and that process of an all of it entails all that it entails there is going to be a time when you are going to need to be able to draw a line in the sand.
[SPEAKER_00]: And by that I mean being able to stand firm in this in in the way that you are being be
[SPEAKER_00]: This newer way, like if you are shedding, oh, beliefs harmful narratives.
[SPEAKER_00]: figuring out who you are now.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if five years ago, you were someone else, five days ago, you were someone else, listen, five minutes ago, you were someone else, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: But now you realize, ain't like, in 2026 and beyond, I want to shed all that old stuff, which is totally fine, and I love that for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a way to bloom.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's gonna be a time and a point in this process, either now or year from now or 15 years ago,
[SPEAKER_00]: that you are going to have to stand firm in this truth of discovery and this truth of who you are, who you want to be in this truth of what you want your life to look like and how you want it to be represented, right, making sure that aligns with whatever it is that your vision is for you and your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's kind of like you need to draw a line in the sand and say, hey, this is me back here
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm no longer okay with or comfortable with having someone step over that line to try to tell me this is how I need to be this is how I need to mass this is how I need to present myself this is how I need to show up these are things I need to do like in other words like being able to communicate some boundaries and this communicating boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: At least for me, a raise your hand, if you're like me, communicating boundaries for me is a radical act.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know there are some people out there where they are, they can just set that boundary and it's like, this is what it is, blue, blue, blue, blue.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care, I don't care and I love that for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I wish that I was able to do that more.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's definitely something that I have been working on.
[SPEAKER_00]: for quite some time, it would look for ever, forever for me to be able to even draw a little one inch line in the sand, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Not even a whole line, like a little, you know, or to be able to say, hey, I'm not okay with this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not comfortable for this, or even to stand up for myself, or express my beliefs in opposition of someone who is in authority in them saying, like, this is what it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what you need to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what you need to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what my expectations are for you, and this is how it must go.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[UNKNOWN]: So,
[SPEAKER_00]: being able to communicate like that's some grown woman shit.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, it really is some grown woman shit and I'm not saying that you're not a grown woman if you have not been able to develop that skill because it really is a skill.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying that a grown woman, I'm not saying that at all, I'm just saying that is a part of adulting, that is a part of
[SPEAKER_00]: of being the fully expressed version of you, who you are being, who you would like to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you following, are you picking up what I'm laying down so far?
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, in last week's episode, we talked about kind of like the, the, the unmasking and the re-rooting yourself, like kind of like a shedding and releasing season that a lot of us go through as we move from chapter to chapter because you're not the same person that you were at the beginning of the chapter versus the end of the chapter or the beginning of the season versus the end of the season, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or the beginning of the year versus the end of the year, like there is growth and
[SPEAKER_00]: that situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: So a part of reclaiming ourselves and like who we are who we're becoming and shedding masks and releasing the need to lay claim to someone else's expectations is being able to set that line of the sand, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you have done the work to decide, like even making the decision is a part of the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you might be saying, well, I haven't done any work, but if you have decided what you need for your journey, I call it my radical journey, or my journey of liberation, that's a decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a part of the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you've done that, you now have to, you have to get to a place where you can communicate.
[SPEAKER_00]: those needs like those those boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: as often as necessary.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is going to be to the people in your life, people in your life, people on the job, and people you are in communication with, or in community with, a relationship with.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that this can really be hard around this time of the year, because the holidays bring out the crazy in so many families, one way or another.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like the holidays are also a time
[SPEAKER_00]: people in the family, they want to put the younger people in the family in their place to make sure that there is the remains of this higher archie.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you may be on your grown womenish all day every day outside, but as soon as you get into your daddy house, your mama house, your auntie house, your grandma house, you know I'm saying,
[SPEAKER_00]: You kind of revert back into the younger version of yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the holidays, it can definitely be a crazy time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And those boundaries that you are like, the things you're working to shed, the boundaries you're looking to implement, it can feel really hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what we have to learn, what we have to learn how to do
[SPEAKER_00]: in the boundary holding our ground basically sticking our like I said drawing that line to sand and doing so with the level of just like this inner knowing and this this confidence and this grace and remembering that at the end of it all,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, who you are, who you're laying claim to, how you are showing up, who you want to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not on the table, it's like it's not, it's not something that's open for discussion where people can just come in, pick apart all the things and tell you where you went wrong and what you need to do and why you should not be this way or why you need to, because people want to maintain the hierarchy, they want to maintain,
[SPEAKER_00]: These dynamics a lot of times, especially if there has not been a solid, what am I trying to say, like a solid effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if there has not been solid and consistent effort for the healing of the people in these dynamics because a lot of us, a lot of us, many of us, almost all of us, we are walking around as our wounded selves in one way or another.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if people are not on the same type of liberation or like a radical blooming journey or healing journey,
[SPEAKER_00]: It don't like they want you to just stay in that agreement with them that says you are going to be a certain way, respond to certain way, let certain things just lie when they, you know, like just being a younger almost child like version of yourself, all right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the first thing that I don't want to say after all that, let's go ahead and get it through it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So before we really get into the halve at all, it's you have to remember like the y, the y, the y, the y, because this is so important, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And a reminder, like your boundaries, they are not
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of the time people see like the boundaries as you just, well, this is my boundary.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they see it like a bad thing like like, there's always this negative spin whenever black women have the unmitigated goal in their opinion to have a boundary, to want to have boundaries, to hold boundaries and to stay true to them, you know, people think it's like, uh,
[SPEAKER_00]: a form of attack or form of aggression and it's not boundaries are for us to help us remain safe to help us feel like to be able to trust ourselves, feel supported, feel safe, like all within ourselves, it's not an outward thing, it's an inward thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Imagine how you feel when you're not when you are walking through or navigating all these paths and you have no boundaries, you just feel like open to any and everything and that is not a safe
[SPEAKER_00]: place to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the boundary for me is about safety and security for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is how I like it's a way for me to live as my authentic self, even though it can be very, very uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not always easy, girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know, okay, it's not always easy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes, you boundaries, you'll end up situations because you have boundaries and people don't like it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So going back to the first episode, I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but speaking of releasing, sometimes releasing does happen when you start to have boundaries, when you start to draw that line, when you start to unmask and realize, hey, my authentic self doesn't like this.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you speak to me this way, hey, my authentic self wants to do XYZ.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know you don't like it, but that's okay because this is my life to live, or you let them say, not all boundaries have to be about that necessarily, but just as an example.
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, rooted in radical, just liberating freedom, liberation, okay, uh, what you're basically saying is I value myself, I value my peace, I value my time, I value my energy, I value my, uh, my value, I value my values.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, I value who I am being, I value who I want to be and I value who I am being, okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: More than I
[SPEAKER_00]: value making someone else comfortable, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when there's no boundaries, it's really like you're you're allowing someone else comfort at the sake of your comfort.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you do that over and over and over and over and over and over again, how do you think you feel about yourself?
[SPEAKER_00]: You may not think
[SPEAKER_00]: commit to a boundary.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have any boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: To me, at least for me, it was a form of not self sabotage, but I guess maybe technically, but it was like a, there was a lack of self trust for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so right now, I am really working to have and maintain a good relationship with myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope that I don't know if that sounds crazy, but yeah, we all should strive to have great relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: with ourselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, I was a huge people pleaser.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know there's some other, some other people plezers out there that are agreeing with me right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, the boundaries of girl, they are going to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: your life so yeah as a black woman okay as a black woman because we ain't allowed to have boundaries we ain't allowed to bloom we ain't allowed to thrive right so establishing that line in the sand or saying this is where this is me this is my comfort zone this is what I'm doing uh you're gonna get anger
[SPEAKER_00]: you're gonna get resistance, you're gonna get arguing, you're gonna get people trying to push the, like erase a little bit of your line and they're gonna step over the line and see if you, if you say anything, they're gonna try to guilt-tribute, you know, just recognize that some of these things are going to happen when you start to prioritize yourself in this way, because again, people,
[SPEAKER_00]: are comfortable with the old you, the old you that didn't really have high, like a high,
[SPEAKER_00]: a higher self worth, the old Jew that just wanted to keep the peace, the old Jew that co-signed everything, even though it deep down, you knew on some level like this doesn't feel right for me, this doesn't feel right in my body, someone would do something and you would be like, oh, okay, are they with expect something?
[SPEAKER_00]: You'd be like, okay, but in your body because you know the body, don't be lying
[SPEAKER_00]: in your chest, you felt some kind of way and your stomach, you felt some kind of way and your heart, you felt some kind of way and your shoulders, your felt some kind of way and you may not have known that that's what it was but girl, that's what it was.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was your body, your spirit, like your inner knowing saying girl, this is not okay, this is not what we want.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to now, this is not a part of the type of journey we want to have for ourselves, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So your why has to be a strong anchor?
[SPEAKER_00]: your y has to be a strong anchor, because what happens when a boat does not have an anchor.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just...
[SPEAKER_00]: chaos and you're not grounded, you're not standing one place.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all really nilly.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just going whichever way the waves take you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is not how we want to live a life of one of being our authentic selves and having our, and aligning with our dreams and our visions and our goals for what we want for life.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to just go whichever way the waves are going, whichever way the wind blows us, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: So we have to have a strong anchor and I feel like the why is definitely a strong anchor.
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to anchor yourself in those feelings that you
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what the boundaries are going to create for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, it's not about other people and hoping they understand and wishing they understand and praying that they co-sign and praying that they get on board sometimes people will.
[SPEAKER_00]: sometimes people will.
[SPEAKER_00]: But don't expect for everyone to just hop on your team.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't expect everyone to hop on your team.
[SPEAKER_00]: So having your why is going to have to be a strong part of this.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what is your why?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is your why?
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then the next thing that I was
[SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to drawing this line of sand or being able to actually communicate the boundary, which is like, oh, girl, let me tell you, when I was trying to communicate boundaries, and it's still hard for me sometimes communicating my boundary when it comes to, for example, my pricing with my coaching, all right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to just be like, oh, you, you know, first of all, the pricing will be very, very low.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then,
[SPEAKER_00]: People would even want it for cheaper than that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, okay, like I wouldn't have any boundaries around that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you can only pay $29 for an hour of my time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure, let's go ahead and do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, no, so I've had to have a firm boundary around things in my personal life, things in my, in this brand for Brown Girls Self Care.
[SPEAKER_00]: I had to have boundaries when I was on my job.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there was a woman that I used to work with and all she would do is,
[SPEAKER_00]: argue with people, so I would not engage with her in certain situations or she would want to complain all day, so I would not engage with her because I didn't want to bring my energy down.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're on the job and you are arguing with folks and complaining all day and bringing drama from home like every single day, I don't want no parts of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just didn't want no parts of that, so I had boundaries around that, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So boundaries can show up,
[SPEAKER_00]: any place in a variety of situations.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, it's the holiday season.
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe it's a boundary around how much you have in your budget.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're still Christmas shop, I mean, I don't know what you're doing, girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you're still Christmas shopping, maybe it's a firm boundary for you because you know that if you budget, let's say, let's say you have
[SPEAKER_00]: five people on your list to buy for and you have set up like you looked at your finances you looked at how much you made for the year you see how much you have in the bank you see what's going out in the month of December in January you rent your gas your lies your phone bill your cable your netflix your hulu and the
[SPEAKER_00]: that you're insurance premiums and all that goodness, you're spending budgets and you can get your hair done and you know like you know I'm saying like you've looked at it and you say for these four or five people whatever number I said.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, you know, overall, my budget is $1,500.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's say that.
[SPEAKER_00]: My budget overall is $1,500 for these, wouldn't I say four or five people?
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever the case may be, these, let's say four people for these four people.
[SPEAKER_00]: My budget is no more than $1,500 period.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna split it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's how you split it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe one person, you spend $200, maybe one person, you spend $600.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like whatever the case may be.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's the budget.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's the holiday season and you that kids, all right, and you start to feel some kind of way because you want to give you kids all the things or you start to feel some kind of way because you're your bestie always, you know, expects XYZ or your mom and always wants XYZ.
[SPEAKER_00]: She wants this $500.
[SPEAKER_00]: perfume or she wants she needs us $800 iPad or whatever the case may be.
[SPEAKER_00]: But your budget's $1500.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are going to have to manage within yourself the gift expectations.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you're going to have to be able to manage that.
[SPEAKER_00]: and not go over whatever it is that you said no matter who might be disappointed by the gift that you give, which is absolutely ridiculous, by the way, especially for grown folks to fix the amount to say, well, this is not what I want.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, that's too damn bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going
[SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe it's the fact that every time you get around the holiday table, your grandfather always got something to say about XYZ, and usually you don't say anything, but the pit of your stomach every time you have to engage with him, it feels some kind of way.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's your body talking.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you may have to address XYZ and stand firm.
[SPEAKER_00]: in your grown woman ish and say whatever that boundary is and it doesn't matter who likes it or who doesn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe the boundary is you not going at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just saying it is okay you have your own permission to set whatever boundaries are necessary to maintain your peace, your safety,
[SPEAKER_00]: your spirit, your time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have the right to do that, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe with the uncle, you say, I'm not gonna talk about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not gonna engage in this conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I'm not gonna talk about this, it's off the table, and then you say nothing about that topic that keeps coming up a year after year,
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever the family argument is, you say I don't want to talk about this and I'm not going to talk about this and you move on.
[SPEAKER_00]: You say these topics are off the table.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So you remain cool, calm, consistent, just as clear as a cucumber.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, cool, calm, clear, and consistent as a cucumber.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you do not need to be around the bush.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is also something that can be very, very hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of you are really good at just saying, like I said, like, Nini, I said, what I said.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really, really do.
[SPEAKER_00]: It will be a gag to be able to do a podcast episode where her because I just love Nini leaks anyway.
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I said what I said.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they just have that gift of just saying that
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's okay for you to be like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: When I, a lot of us have childhood trauma around, be able to stand up for yourself in the face of authority, your teachers, your parents, your aunt and uncle, your this, you're that, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so even now as an adult, it feels weird to be able to assert yourself in that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so sometimes I've done this too, we him and we ha, and we don't want to call a spade a spade, we don't want to say what we said, we don't want to root ourselves with that line in the sand and so we just beat around the mulberry bush, but I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be, you don't have to do that anymore, allowing yourself to be direct is a blessing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And no, it doesn't make you aggressive, it doesn't make you angry.
[SPEAKER_00]: In any of the lies that we are told, doesn't make you any of those things, it is okay to be direct.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if it hurts someone else's feelings, it really is or hurts their expectations.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is okay to be direct, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you need to set boundaries at the dinner table with the gifts, whether this was that that
[SPEAKER_00]: It is your right, you have to mention to do this, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, just staying cool, calm, what does that say, collected?
[SPEAKER_00]: Cool is a cucumber, calm, clear.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that is going to help you get these boundaries expressed.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not necessarily to be confrontational.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, this doesn't make you angry, anything like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's to help you just to remain neutral.
[SPEAKER_00]: calm, grounded, rooted in your truth, like it's a fact.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And how other people react to what you have said when you have expressed this boundary, that's not, that's not yours to take on.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I hate to keep saying this, but this was my reality to like going back to childhood, a lot of times,
[SPEAKER_00]: the not expectations, the reactions of others.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that caused you to feel really fearful to set boundaries, but because maybe as a child, maybe you would be
[SPEAKER_00]: harshly criticized, maybe you would be beaten, maybe you would be punished, maybe you would be yelled at.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: When parents didn't, if your parents didn't have the emotional regulation or emotional regulation or emotional maturity to express or to speak to you a certain kind of way, it definitely would be very easy to as a child squash any
[SPEAKER_00]: And it playing out right now in real time in your adult life, right, but if you allow yourself, even though it can be very scary and I acknowledge that I'm not here to say that it's easy peasy, lemon squeezy, but if you, you know, you know, your boundary and you just express it and you allow yourself to just stay, stay with it, you don't need to get out of pocket, you don't need to raise your voice.
[SPEAKER_00]: if you can allow yourself to stand firm, being cool as a cucumber, calm, clear on your why, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: And consistent, like, not wavering, just because someone gets mad or not wavering because you don't wanna let someone down or not wavering because, you know, someone doesn't have the emotional intelligence to handle things in a mature and reasonable manner
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not your problem, it's not your problem, your concern is just staying rooted and grounded, rooted and grounded, that's it, your boundaries are not up for discussion, you being your authentic self, whatever that means for you, whatever you're taking from this conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not, that's not for discussion, that's not for discussion, all right, or I should say it's not for as far as someone trying to come in and tell you what that's not how it should be because sometimes people will be genuinely curious and if you feel like like whatever the relationship is, if it's if it's whatever the matter is and something you might want to discuss that's great, but what I'm saying is not for discussion as far as like someone trying to
[SPEAKER_00]: make you waver or change your mind or change your opinion, tell you, well, that's bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not what good Black girls do.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that's what I'm talking about.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're boundary, you're unfolding, how you are learning to stand in your truth and be who you want to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: All those things like that, that's not up for debate.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not up for debate.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really, really not, okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so just go on with main consistent.
[SPEAKER_00]: remain cool, be a cucumber, and read that, just be a cucumber girl, just be like a cucumber and a refrigerator, just calm, chillin', neutral, you know what I'm sayin'?
[SPEAKER_00]: Just do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you talked about the why and just, you know, remain in calm and cool, like a cucumber.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the last thing that I was say as we're talking about like these boundaries that you are starting to integrate into your life as you are stepping into who you are becoming
[SPEAKER_00]: would like to be, okay, is to understand that when you have, like you know who you are, you know what your boundaries are, you are communicating your boundaries, you have to make sure that you implement the consequence.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we think of consequences as,
[SPEAKER_00]: When you're a little, what do you think of a consequences like getting punished, a spanking, getting beaten, getting yelled at, getting slapped, getting, getting punished, getting things taken away, getting things stripped away from you, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's typically how consequences are taught, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's not, excuse me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I just coughed right into the microphone, my bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: And isn't necessarily what a consequence has to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: That isn't necessarily what a consequence is or has to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you don't have some type of a consequence or follows through, then people will just think, that, oh, she don't mean that, she say it, but she don't mean that I can do whatever I can say, whatever I can treat her this kind of way, or I can make her change her mind, or I can, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: So we need to be able to follow through if we're gonna do this.
[SPEAKER_00]: uh, expression of having these radical, like these boundaries in a radical and clear and liberated way.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not that you're threatening someone like, if you do this, I'm going to do this, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: But again, this is all about you just allowing yourself to unmask, step into your authentic self, allow yourself to be versus trying to do, you know, all the things that makes everyone else happy without focusing on yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, you don't have to yell, you don't have to grandstand.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to stomp your feet.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to, just because people out, you don't have to, I don't even know what other things you, you know what I'm saying.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to do any of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't have to be all hella dramatic.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: But you just, state your boundary, like we said in just a few minutes ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, you know, figure out an advance,
[SPEAKER_00]: What actions you will take is people decide to step over that line in the sand intentionally or otherwise right you have to figure out before it before it happens as you're thinking through whatever boundaries you really want to start implementing is you know between like now and beyond you also have to think about what what what will happen if someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: does do X, Y, Z, if that conversation comes up again at the Christmas table with my uncle and how he's always talking, it's about XYZ or putting me down or saying crazy stuff or whatever the case may be like what am I what am I going to say?
[SPEAKER_00]: What am I going to do, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or if
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, the lady on the job, you know, you own vacation from her right now because you're on Christmas break, but you know, January 2nd, when you go back to work, she's going to have even more stuff to complain about and be argued with people on the phone about, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to think about, like, in advance, like, this is a part of preparation and I think preparation can go a very long way and it helped.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you feel when you have prepared?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you have a speech, for example, or had a speech when you were a child or in school or whatever, and you really just kind of like didn't prepare versus when you had a speech and you took it very seriously and you didn't wait until last minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: You actually thought it through, you broke it down, you outlined it, you had your index cards and your little high ladders and your different colored pens and you tried to memorize some of it and you read it over and over and over and you tweaked and you read some resources and you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's a difference in how you feel, especially for those bus we struggle.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a difference in how you feel when you're a little more prepared or a lot more prepared versus just kind of like,
[SPEAKER_00]: going on the fly.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're able to think about what your boundaries are, before you're in the situation, I didn't find your boundaries as they pertain to the type of bloom, like where you are in the season and where you're headed and who you are wanting to be, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: You can like if you do some preparation in that you
[SPEAKER_00]: I only think about the actual boundary, but you can think about like what happens after the boundary, because you're gonna feel some kind of way, number one, especially if you're not used to setting boundaries on a regular basis.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna feel some kind of way a lot of times, because we are empathetic.
[SPEAKER_00]: Our intention is never usually to hurt some one or to you and I'm saying, so I feel like it's sometimes a natural thing, especially if you were
[SPEAKER_00]: Or are people pleaser?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a natural, I guess, a byproduct of that is to, excuse me, feel like you're letting people down.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're disappointing people.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to hurt, you, you have or you're going to hurt their feelings, you're going to disappoint them, you know, you feel guilty, your mind just goes there.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have dealt with that in a major way over the last few years.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I still deal with that with this boundary that I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: currently holding, all right, with someone in my family.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to think about, once the boundary is set, like, what's the consequence if someone continues to
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to you a certain way if someone continues to disrespect you if someone continues to argue with you someone continue to tell you that this is this is not your like you can't do this this way if someone continues to tell you are call you names someone continues to take from you or still from you if someone continues to
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, do like, I don't know, just all kinds of things.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many ways that your boundaries can be overstepped.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to think about the what if, because it's going to happen, what happens if someone does XYZ, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: That is, it's a major thing and it's very radical and it takes a lot of bravery to be able to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And bravery doesn't mean that you're doing something in your, there's no fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not scared.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not what bravery means.
[SPEAKER_00]: bravery means doing it when you don't have all the answers.
[SPEAKER_00]: bravery means doing it when you, when you really are just nervous as hell, that's brave.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what, that's what it means to be brave.
[SPEAKER_00]: right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to figure out what actions you are going to implement, what actions you are going to take if your boundary is ignored.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it may be that like if that conversation with the uncle, I don't know why I keep saying that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That keeps coming up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell them, you know what?
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to have a beautiful Christmas with the family.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not here to discuss
[SPEAKER_00]: And if they keep talking about it says, first of all, take make sure you brought your Tupperware, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you brought your Tupperware or whatever, or take some from your mama house and go make your plate and you bounce.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay for you to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can be as cool and chill as a cucumber as you wanna be.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can leave the room, you can leave the house.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, you are a grown adult and you have free will and free control over your body.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, if you decide it, here's a boundary decided that you're not going to cook all the food on Christmas and host Because a lot of times you get stuck with that a lot of you So you can tell them in events like if if you guys are thinking that my home is going to be the home again because it seems to be the only option every time then instead I will choose to spend this time uh
[SPEAKER_00]: In my own home quietly with just my kids or with my husband or with my wife or with my partner or with myself or whatever with my dog with my cat whatever your circumstance in the situation is you have the right to do that you have the right to do that all right you have the right to do that so figure out and again remaining as cool and collected and calm and and
[SPEAKER_00]: What did I say, and chill and consistent, like just as a cucumber, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Just chill as a cucumber.
[SPEAKER_00]: There is no, you have no reason when you're expressing your boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's literally no reason for you to get your energy all or what riled up, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: So really you're acting in your power.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's a beautiful thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can control your response.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can control what to respond to, how to respond, when to respond, all in the in the grand scheme of maintaining your piece, maintaining your energy, maintaining your calm.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this month, this month, this final month, 2025 in the next couple of weeks is the perfect time to really start practicing some of these these boundaries like thinking about what they are and then actually implementing them as we discussed, all right, so again, thinking about
[SPEAKER_00]: releasing, shedding the old you, those parts of you that really were never you or parts of you that were for a while because of survival mode.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now you're ready to release and be, you know, allows yourself to be the full authentic version of you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then expressing boundaries, expressing boundaries and remembering your why.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you do these things,
[SPEAKER_00]: 2026, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, just being able to communicate your boundaries, it is very brave, it is a radical radical act.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a huge part of being your authentic self, the huge part of blooming, the huge part of your journey and living in a more radical and liberated way,
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're worth that, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: You are worth doing these things for.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have permission to change anything up about your life that you want from your relationships, to your job, to your money story, to your...
[SPEAKER_00]: your health, your wellness, your inner circle, your community, your, like all the things, all the things, you have your own permission to change up whatever the hell you want to, okay, and to shed and release whatever no longer serves you, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I just want you to remember that, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, so, oh, girl, almost forgot.
[SPEAKER_00]: One last thing, okay, so I'm wrapping up the episode now, but I almost forgot, almost forgot that on Wednesday, December 17th, so if you're listening to this podcast, this Monday, which I believe will be the 14th,
[SPEAKER_00]: 15th, 15th, I believe it'll be the 5th girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know, December 17th, all right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will put the link in today's show notes.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to do kind of like a wrap-up of what 2025 taught us because there definitely been some lessons along the way this year, I'm going to put a link in the show notes for today's that you can join me on Zoom.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can be in a safe space with other black women
[SPEAKER_00]: kind of collectively share just what 2025 has taught us, then you are free to join us on December 17th.
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, I will put that note in today's show notes, and also I'm gonna put a link in the show notes because I've been getting this actually in my inbox.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of you are still wanting to get one to one coaching with me, so you can get some more clarity.
[SPEAKER_00]: in this journey as you bloom.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now I will say that if you were one of the original founders, if you have not booked a session by the end of the year, I do apologize in advance, but your rate will go up
[SPEAKER_00]: in 2026.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you were an original founder and founding member and you have not rebooked just giving that warning that at the end of the year, that rate will no longer be available.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, but one-to-one coaching is available.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will put a note in the show notes for that as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now with that said, I want to thank you so much for tuning in to the Brown Girl Self Care podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to remain rooted in your truth in the coming weeks as we wrap up 2025.
[SPEAKER_00]: hold those lines with grace and I will see you in the next episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take care!