[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to Let's Not Sugar Coded.
[SPEAKER_01]: Season 3 is here and we're excited to dive into the core of communication relationships and leadership.
[SPEAKER_05]: We are hosts, Bella and Lee.
[SPEAKER_05]: The husband and wife duo with the successful business helping couples and organizations get it together to play a bigger game and elevate the relationships and performance.
[SPEAKER_01]: We believe in keeping it real, so each week we'll bring you incredible guests, entrepreneurs sharing their authentic experiences, along with episodes featuring just the two of us tackling the tough topics.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, if you're ready to enhance your connections and sharpen your leadership skills, you're in the right place, let's get started.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, welcome back to another episode of let's not sugarcoded today.
[SPEAKER_01]: We have Danica and Carson that in that house.
[SPEAKER_01]: Super excited.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've had Danica on before.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that's very good.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you're returning.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, but now you brought your second half.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think we're talking about communication and relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: So super excited to have you guys.
[SPEAKER_01]: And let me tell you a little bit about them.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, Carson Danica are a couple living of less and fulfilled marriage of five years, a beautiful second chance built on faith, intention, and deep respect.
[SPEAKER_01]: Danica is a mom-wife and associate advisor with Benoelle's strategies.
[SPEAKER_01]: As a wealth advisor, she creates confidence in her client's financial plans, believing that true freedom comes from having choices.
[SPEAKER_01]: Community has always been at the heart of Danica's work as she recently, she was recently named chair of the charity dress for success and past president of colonial women in business.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now she has congrats.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now entering her fourth term, she is dedicated to build spaces that help others rise.
[SPEAKER_01]: Carson is a proud hardworking role of driver.
[SPEAKER_01]: With over 20 years of experience in the industry, he loves and takes pride in helping to keep the city beautiful and being part of the team that helps build this growing community that shapes the Okanogad's future.
[SPEAKER_01]: Together, Carson and Danica believe that a marriage thrives when both partners serve each other first.
[SPEAKER_01]: Their relationship is grounded in laughter, adventure, and unwavering love, a testament to the power of intention, faith, and connection.
[SPEAKER_01]: So welcome you too.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for excited to have you in studio.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for having us.
[SPEAKER_02]: We were talking on the way here.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're so excited to share what works for us and what we found has connected us.
[SPEAKER_02]: Growing our love.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think more couples need to talk about that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we need to make that something that people see all the time is marriages can be for
[SPEAKER_05]: definitely take some work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, there's a lot of stuff out there and why it doesn't work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, there's a lot of, a lot of information, there are why anything doesn't work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, but you know relationships because you are with the same person for a big piece of the day for consistent days on end.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's a lot of important decisions, right, that are made end.
[SPEAKER_05]: that because you spend so much time with them, they learn all your triggers.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the buttons, oh there's like the elevator.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes you just want to go down all the buttons.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what I'm all.
[SPEAKER_01]: Have it explode and stop on every.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it becomes like the drop of juice, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, adventure land.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: you'd take me on that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to thank you for doing this for for couples, you know, across the nation, North America, wherever.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, we are.
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: So it brings everyone together, so thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: No, no, thank you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I feel like we don't talk.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of, like we said before, information about what to do, how to leave a marriage.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, when to, you know, how to rebuild after the divorce, but there isn't.
[SPEAKER_01]: a lot of how to prevent it from happening.
[SPEAKER_01]: Why don't we start earlier the communication and where the breakdowns are to really save the marriage.
[SPEAKER_01]: Save the relationship because something brought you together in the first place.
[SPEAKER_01]: When you actually go back and reflect of why the two came together, there's something there.
[SPEAKER_01]: There was something there and then
[SPEAKER_01]: It's somewhere because most of the time it's our own inner self, that needs the work because we bring stuff from our childhood, our past and to the relationship and then we look to our partners to fix those problems without our partners knowing.
[SPEAKER_01]: where it's all coming from.
[SPEAKER_05]: They look to you partner to make you feel good about yourself, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And then there always becomes a point in a relationship where at some point that just isn't enough, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because you are not whole.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you start to feel not as good about yourself anymore as time goes on.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then that gets projected outwards onto the other and you start to blame.
[SPEAKER_05]: Now granted there are always certain relationships that it's for the best, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so this is our second chance.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, so talking about that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so when you said, I think we both came to this relationship with
[SPEAKER_02]: Trying to do all the preventative measures and be the best wife be the best husband because this was our second who gets a second chance at true love Like we feel so blessed because there's stories of people who go through divorce and you know, it's not
[SPEAKER_02]: like our fairy tale story of finding our soul mate on the other side.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we treat this marriage like you're saying as we are going to do all of the work and all of the things we want.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I can say part of our theory and marriage and it was through classes.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we seek classes.
[SPEAKER_02]: We go to different workshops and one was about serving first the other.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when I wake up out of bed
[SPEAKER_02]: I think, how can I make Carson's day the best day?
[SPEAKER_02]: But there's another side to that, because he's also waking up and saying, how can I make sure Dan and Caleb's her best day?
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's very simple, it's even so at 4am, we get up.
[SPEAKER_02]: The first thing he does is I'm gonna go make you tea.
[SPEAKER_02]: I say thank you, honey.
[SPEAKER_02]: When I hear the tea starting to pour, I get up and I make his lunch.
[SPEAKER_02]: acting for each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that was really shifting when we learned about that base in your marriage.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I think there's a lot of education on, you know, what I need?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I will say it takes two.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because if you're the one serving, it's not being reciprocated.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's where it can can fall apart.
[SPEAKER_02]: But when we're both that attitude of what can I do for him and he's reciprocating, it can be something beautiful.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think an important part that you touched on is having the conversation around what it is that the other person needs.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if it's just Carson deciding, I'm going to make her tea.
[SPEAKER_05]: But that's not really what you need or you're just choosing to make him lunch, but he's like,
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, he has been there on the head there.
[SPEAKER_02]: So my love language is acts of service.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're right in that a person could spend 20 years doing the wrong thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then all of a sudden, when the other person is showing appreciation for all the things you're doing because my biggest thing is I like to, I consider myself like a fixer person.
[SPEAKER_04]: So there's been numerous times in our relationship where
[SPEAKER_04]: She'll tell me something that's going on, and she just wants me to listen, but in my mind, I want to fix the problem and take care of it.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I'm sitting there going, okay, well, in my brain, she's telling me all of this and it's going on.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm going, okay, how can I fix this?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I need to fix this.
[SPEAKER_04]: My wife's obviously upset.
[SPEAKER_04]: This is bothering her.
[SPEAKER_04]: I need to fix it.
[SPEAKER_04]: And so I start to think about how I can fix it.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I start talking to where I'll do this, and I'll do that.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'll just, it turns out, no, I just want you to listen.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want you to fix it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want you to listen.
[SPEAKER_04]: And for me, that's a hard, I honestly sometimes find that difficult, because
[SPEAKER_04]: That's like, you know, something's wrong.
[SPEAKER_04]: I like to fix it and take care of it, and that's done.
[SPEAKER_04]: We want to the next one, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when it's hard to just listen and not fix the problem, but just be there to listen, it's hard for, well, maybe just me or our men in general.
[SPEAKER_02]: Did you think it's a general or with men and women have in your work?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, that was a percent because.
[SPEAKER_05]: Men aren't usually going to be sharing their problems unless they're looking for help to fix it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Exactly.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so if we're dealing with something that we don't feel needs fixing, we just keep it in the jar.
[SPEAKER_01]: Or want to do it and fix it yourself because there's maybe shame or something around.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if I share this with my partner,
[SPEAKER_01]: They may think I am less than because I don't want to show this is a good way weakness.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that is also like part of that conversation that we've been having in relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of men don't want to share because.
[SPEAKER_01]: they're seen as the provider, the protector, the fixer, and if they're needing of that, then who are they?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, so there's a whole bunch of that that's tied to, I think, the identity rate of most men, yeah, and how we're conditioned.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so it's the same.
[SPEAKER_05]: Bella brings something up.
[SPEAKER_05]: Traditionally, it's always been okay.
[SPEAKER_05]: What a way I need to do to like do it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I've had
[SPEAKER_05]: I've had to learn in those situations to be, to ask the question, what, what do you need for me?
[SPEAKER_05]: What do you want for me or how do you want me to show up right now, different variations that you know, use?
[SPEAKER_05]: because otherwise, there are times where if she's just expressing how she's feeling about something, just then it is.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's releasing me.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: I just want to vent and then, you know, I'm trying to be like, well, maybe think of it this way.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to, I just want to get it off my chest and then I'll, like, just get it out.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'd rather release it here with you than
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, and I don't need the coaching in this.
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're like, there's sometimes, yes, but like that whole fixing thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, whatever, this is like, dude, let me just vent because now you're now annoying me because now you're trying to fix me, but it's still inside me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because of our safe partner in life, sorry, safe place.
[SPEAKER_02]: To just, like, right, this is probably the only place we can have.
[SPEAKER_02]: We can't, we should really do that professionally.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, but we can do their partner.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, usually some type of like container, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, but now the other end of that, we have found that it also can't be one way, so so that the man in the relationship as, you know, unnatural as it can feel.
[SPEAKER_05]: You need to be able to be in a place where even though, okay, this is in a situation that I need fixed, but it's something that's on my mind.
[SPEAKER_05]: Maybe it's something that I'm upset about or frustrated about or you know what, maybe it's a situation that I'm feeling some shame around.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm going to share it with her because when you don't do that and it's all one way.
[SPEAKER_05]: then your partner is going to create resentment because they're gonna feel like they're constantly putting out these bids to connect and you're not reciprocating, yeah, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think it diffuses situations.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you use talk about asking questions and I think you said I learned.
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is what, okay, I've had to learn all of this.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's nothing that I came to the marriage in a wing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, and curiosity is probably the best skill I have learned, um, over my last 43 years and it's not a muscle I had, it's not a muscle even had when we started dating almost, you know, seven years ago, I guess.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and so I think the question so you know, if I notice because I can tell can you tell what you saw the language like the space, how it's easy.
[SPEAKER_02]: So can you tell right away?
[SPEAKER_02]: Right away, but something is awful.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm the same way.
[SPEAKER_04]: There's numerous times where I'm like, I could just say it down to go, what's wrong actually?
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, nothing.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know, darn well, there's something wrong, but she just doesn't want to tell me.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I've learned that, okay, sometimes not to push because of my point because, again, fix it.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm like, she's like, nothing wrong.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm the one, okay, there is something wrong, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And so then I'll push and push and push to the point where she actually tells me whatever was very, but that's not what she didn't want to tell me.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think it's not that she didn't want to tell you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think she just didn't want to tell you at that particular moment, because I knew it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's it.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So because that's happened, too, he asked me and let's say, I'm triggered by something.
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_01]: So then I'm exploring.
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it actually about him?
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it about something else that happened previously and whatnot?
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm trying to work through and figure out so that I'm not coming with a problem or a situation or something that actually has nothing to do with him.
[SPEAKER_01]: more so than not.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's a whole lot of podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was happy to present.
[SPEAKER_02]: But in some times in our professional lives, we need to hold it together.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because he's my safe person when he taps into that.
[SPEAKER_02]: for me the floodgates start.
[SPEAKER_02]: So tears are how I really feel like.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think most women do that's how tears process.
[SPEAKER_02]: Can be happiness sadness, frustration and all of them.
[SPEAKER_02]: I had one actually had one gentleman asked me.
[SPEAKER_02]: like tears for all those emotions and like yeah tears for all of those different emotions.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, later that night, maybe I can.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's what I think.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, we have so we complement each other with just, you know, we both of us together, like, I think we make the perfect team.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's I've never experienced a friendship like this.
[SPEAKER_04]: I love like this, a relationship like this.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's, you know, like,
[SPEAKER_04]: I know it's like we'll have been married five years, but my love for her is grown so much stronger every year.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's not like it's going down.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's going off, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And I love the fact that she's my best friend and she's my lover.
[SPEAKER_04]: She's like everything.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think when Darius says, you know, how I could win the morning, the first thing I think about her.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, the first thing I do.
[SPEAKER_04]: And she's the last person I think about when I go to bed.
[SPEAKER_04]: And what I'm not with her and she's a She's an an event for.
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, doing some.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not sure, I just said that I'm a part of me's gone, and I really cherish it because I never thought I'd get married again.
[SPEAKER_04]: I thought when I went through my divorce, I thought I'm never going to get married again, and it's not going to happen.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's in the first date for each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's said, by the way, we're never getting married.
[SPEAKER_02]: We both said it.
[SPEAKER_02]: You understand?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I know you.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not on it, just.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's something I've never felt before and to have that just makes me just want to just give to her so much.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you think it's because the way you guys communicate with each other has changed as well?
[SPEAKER_01]: from previous.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we talk about when we're dating.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we both.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, and I think it can be the same in a 20 year congratulations, by the way.
[SPEAKER_02]: So 20 years.
[SPEAKER_01]: 7th and Mary 20 together.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Gradually.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because that is an accomplishment.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it can be the same.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you come together, not whole people,
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, things like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we have come a far away.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I can speak to myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: I came to the relationship with a lot of triggers.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I am a, I have a strong faith.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that Carson was brought to me for a definite reason.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, he helped to heal me.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I had to do the work, but he was a very soft caring place to land.
[SPEAKER_02]: So because he loved me and was safe and caring, when my trigger came about, I was able to present my assertiveness, and it was able to come out in a big way, and I was able to now set that new boundary in my life, and he just took it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, but you showed a little back too, it's not like I, it's not like I, you know,
[SPEAKER_02]: We were wanting to grow it and I think growing together.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think the one thing when I met Carson was he wants to grow with me.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I look at the Pico Institute and I look at the workshops you guys are doing.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think if a husband and wife want to grow together, I think that is going to predict a successful long relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's when one person wants to grow in the other
[SPEAKER_02]: not interested.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's when trouble happens because we can learn.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, and he offered me the space to go, whoa, what was that?
[SPEAKER_02]: And then, you know, now I don't have those triggers anymore.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I got to work it out in the presence of a really loving safe.
[SPEAKER_02]: person.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if we go back like seven years ago, there was those moments that happened and you were just very I guess that's the word great so we actually did a marriage class this morning and it said what is your what do you appreciate about your marriage.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I think it's these daily activities intentionally, like, even coming here.
[SPEAKER_02]: We get to talk about our marriage, and we're going to a class.
[SPEAKER_02]: It sets a time and an activity that you get to talk about your marriage, celebrate it, discuss it, learn about what you have to work on, and not everyday life provides those moments.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I was thankful for the grace, like I have like grace for days, grace like every day, grace.
[SPEAKER_02]: And on the way here, he said he was thankful for the love and support.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, yeah, I think grace and a marriage for me is huge.
[SPEAKER_04]: You respect for one another.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's one thing that we, you know, Danica respects me, I respect her.
[SPEAKER_04]: There's no, okay, this person at the breadwinner, that person's there, or yeah, that one, this one wears a pants out of there.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's equal.
[SPEAKER_02]: It was a team.
[SPEAKER_04]: Now that I can say that in the wedding, when we got married, and what he knows, before our stages, if it wasn't used to the word team, and I told it right from the beginning, we were a team.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And so that's your remember you saying.
[SPEAKER_02]: So funny, so Carson was excited to get into the self-development and learning.
[SPEAKER_02]: You so naturally came, not knowing what he was doing.
[SPEAKER_02]: But he had to do a lot of repetition.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think we take about 12 months.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he had to say things like, we're a team.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're beautiful, you're a good mother.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you probably had to repeat for about 12 months.
[SPEAKER_04]: Do you want to do that all the time?
[SPEAKER_02]: And now I'm like,
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm the bat like now like he was created a bit of a monster, but it was repetition.
[SPEAKER_02]: It was repetition.
[SPEAKER_04]: The same to me though, because how many times have I told like when we first started and I felt worthless that I felt like it wasn't a good father like it wasn't a good person, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And you built me up.
[SPEAKER_02]: So like, yeah, God brought us together, I think.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I don't.
[SPEAKER_02]: I just not a mistake, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not a mistake.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that you guys are saying the word team, because we vote like what we teach are the couples and in our workshop is you guys, when you come to a situation, let's say there's conflict.
[SPEAKER_01]: When you come with that knowledge or that word team,
[SPEAKER_01]: knowing that you're playing to win together, that you're not on opposite teams and you're not playing against each other.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's when you start winning together and looking at the problem and being like you say always be hard on the problem, not the person.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's like, oh, I like stuff on the same thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: hard on the problem, soft on the person.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, that's a good one, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you come in and you're like, okay, this is the problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is our tension.
[SPEAKER_01]: How do we work it so that we're both winning?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because a lot of conversation, go, I'm winning, you're losing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's not a team.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not a mayor.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not a relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: Why would you want your partner to lose?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to come to an agreement.
[SPEAKER_01]: So both of us feel seen and heard and like we are on the same team playing on the same court for the same vision mission, whatever.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, we have less one thing about we've always been.
[SPEAKER_04]: open about our relationship or what we're going to be honest about our relationship.
[SPEAKER_04]: So like if something's hugging me or if something's bugging down like we've always I'll just tell her straight out again.
[SPEAKER_04]: This is bothering me or that's why I don't hold it in.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I can't resist them from you.
[SPEAKER_04]: I've always been an open look that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: Sometimes it is not good necessarily, but it's sometimes in a relationship like ours, it is good.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that is the same way.
[SPEAKER_04]: Sometimes, talking is not even necessary.
[SPEAKER_04]: Sometimes, just holding each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is a real one, that is true.
[SPEAKER_04]: right yeah come on from your day instead of planning and upset about the day and pitching about it this and planning about that just come in just hug each other yeah because i've noticed myself when i come home and it said i've had a bad day where if you did because i have a rough day we just hug each other and it's like it's all just that's a way
[SPEAKER_05]: Disney rule.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, but that.
[SPEAKER_03]: No.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, I mean, I haven't fact checked this for other hurt.
[SPEAKER_05]: Is that the rule at Disney is those that are dressed up as the characters.
[SPEAKER_05]: Is that when they're hugging a child that comes to hug them.
[SPEAKER_05]: The Disney rule is that they're not allowed to be the first ones to let go.
[SPEAKER_01]: The child has to choose when to let go.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that they
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a limited time.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if that child needs a longer hug, they're there to stay until that child feels like they've been seen and or like that feel like it's there is there is there is a there is like a science like a psychology to the duration of a hug right in the camera.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's there's like a amount of seconds.
[SPEAKER_05]: And once you cross over, like I think for a hug, it might be like 20 seconds and so you could feel it once you get beyond that 20 seconds and try to count it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you'll, yeah, your nervous system starts to come down, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You feel a bit more relaxed where we're always caught up in our state of human doing this.
[SPEAKER_05]: We forget about the fact that we're human beings and we don't live in the moment.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's like, okay, hug, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: What's next?
[SPEAKER_05]: We're constantly moving into the next moment versus just embracing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Our children actually started doing that.
[SPEAKER_01]: When there's tension in the house and let's say I'm upset with one of the twins, the other one woke.
[SPEAKER_01]: She started coming and she's like, okay mommy, and then she's like stand up and I'll stand up and she'll give me a hug and it totally this arm is that you can feel it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're doing that with our kids to give them that tool
[SPEAKER_01]: But even when your wife is a raging, all she needs is a hard.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes do not walk away, lean into the discomfort because sometimes it's not even about you.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about something that happened.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you give her that safe space, she will learn that you are not there to add to the problem, but be that safe standing.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when we before we were married and we lived apart, arguments could go crazy when we were in separate houses, but
[SPEAKER_02]: the minute.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think he even just started just coming over because the minute his presence was in my presence and he hugged me, the fight was done.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I agree in that if we're hugging, we can't fight, but if you put space, it's like we go to bed.
[SPEAKER_04]: We cut almost the night.
[SPEAKER_04]: All right, you know, it's not like, okay, you're an atty.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm gonna say we don't touch.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, it's no, I can't sleep that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: I have to, I have to hold that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we can be, some people's, just can't, some people get so hot, but you know, we're happy we can.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy we can.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I know there was, I heard something on a podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you, if you have a king bed, your marriage is not going to last you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I, however, so we are cuttleers too.
[SPEAKER_01]: I never used to be, but we, we, like, we became.
[SPEAKER_01]: But when I'm having a hot flash, and I'm sweating puddles, do not come near me, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's nice to have the king bed, because then I can roll out of my sweat puddle, and into the metal, into his space, and let this side dry, so it gets the king bed, and there's room to move around for the pair of menopausal sticto.
[SPEAKER_02]: King bed won't save a marriage.
[SPEAKER_05]: It goes back to where you place your focus.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you put your focus on going back to how we started this conversation around the amount of information that's out there that will support why a marriage or a relationship won't work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, if everything is, well, Kingbed will won't work because of how will it work?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just a very simple example of, you know,
[SPEAKER_05]: I used to have a firm belief that conflict in a relationship was not good, conflict was bad because what I grew up with was typically bad type of conflict and so I was like a healthy relationship means, you know, no arguments, no raised tone, nothing like that.
[SPEAKER_05]: And the reality is that's not.
[SPEAKER_05]: through, right, is that there is a level of conflict that is healthy, and when you are working through a different subapinion, right, different idea, whatever it might be, it actually gives the relationship depth, right, where if you're constantly, if you're not having those difficult conversations, let's just exchange conflict now for just like uncomfortable dialogue.
[SPEAKER_05]: if you're not having those and you're not leaning in, then not only you're not learning about each other, you're not learning about yourself even, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You're just everything is just staying surface level and you're in a state of avoiding constant.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because when you're living with another person, when you're in a relationship, there will always be things that you don't agree on.
[SPEAKER_01]: And the person you're with is a mirror to you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're not looking back at yourself and challenging those feelings and how the person made you feel, no, the person just said something and it triggered your response.
[SPEAKER_01]: So now there's an opportunity to look at that and say, why is what they said triggering me?
[SPEAKER_01]: Where is this coming from?
[SPEAKER_01]: What unresolved issues?
[SPEAKER_01]: or traumas are within me, but this is a trigger for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and sharing that is important because there's been a few times where he's not sure why my body language changed a little bit so that I don't know my tone of voice.
[SPEAKER_02]: And
[SPEAKER_02]: being self-aware and I am self-aware now to know where that came from and when I explain to you, you know, I think that came from this event.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's like, I get it.
[SPEAKER_02]: I understand.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, and the same thing time as me too.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I'm talking to you but certain things.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I think it's the question.
[SPEAKER_02]: So talk about, okay, so, but also a marriage, but when you have
[SPEAKER_02]: Children, when you have exposes, when you have, you know, moving cars and business, there's a lecture complexity.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's going to be difficult conversations.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's the learning how to ask questions.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'll give an example.
[SPEAKER_02]: There was something that happened with one of the children at home and you were really tense.
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is a few years ago so you may not remember and so inside I have you know this comes in a blended family.
[SPEAKER_02]: He has to work with a very protective mother in a blended family situation and God bless him and it's not easy rule and you know and so the old Danica who didn't have that muscle would have assumptions to start making stories, you know, why is he so angry, you know, my child's doing their best, like what is this, like how cruel, you know, you know, you're a fuck.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I did this training and so I walk into the bedroom and I just asked and this is not even a profound question I just said What's going on for you?
[SPEAKER_02]: Like why do you seem so tense and The answer was so soft and vulnerable He wasn't angry or judgmental He said I'm really scared because this behavior is happened before and this is what happened that time That my child did that
[SPEAKER_02]: So it was actually him not angry.
[SPEAKER_02]: He was not like judging my child.
[SPEAKER_02]: He was actually in an anxious moment of does this mean that's gonna happen again because his behavior looks really the same.
[SPEAKER_02]: And do you know my whole mama bear just went?
[SPEAKER_02]: Without that question, mama bear could have just more.
[SPEAKER_05]: I come back to that grace, that when you are in a relationship and you can come from that place of what we're in this for a reason right like we didn't come together to make each other lose right so let's just start from like coming from a place of
[SPEAKER_05]: we're here to help each other win and unless you physically like you verbally tell me otherwise, I'm going to believe that that's what's happening.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so it changes how you listen to the person.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you're even getting direct criticism,
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, you know, it's okay.
[SPEAKER_05]: She's a smart human being and so if she's giving me some feedback right every single book you read on business self development it's about having a good feedback loop you need to know what's working what's not working and your partners a part of that feedback loop and so if it's like okay they're telling me this because
[SPEAKER_05]: they want me to win.
[SPEAKER_05]: But then curiosity steps in, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You can start asking clarifying questions and things like that as well as if there is certain conversations that you do find like a little triggering or you've got a story going on, you can come for again from that place of
[SPEAKER_05]: We're here to win.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're going to be hard on the problem, soft on the person, the problem is I have this story in my head because of this thing that happened.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I'm going to softly bring it up to the person and say, hey, I don't want to deal with this thing that's going on in my head.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
[SPEAKER_05]: So when this happened, this is what's been going on in my mind.
[SPEAKER_05]: and then give your partner the opportunity to be like, no, that's totally not.
[SPEAKER_01]: But he's talking about it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like sometimes it's a shock.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like sometimes when he would, this is a, when we were rebuilding everything, the way we started communicating, like the stories that he would have.
[SPEAKER_01]: But he's hype, we found out that he's super hype per sensitive to tone and body language because of his childhood.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so even if it wasn't about him,
[SPEAKER_01]: do a facial expression or quick response.
[SPEAKER_01]: It would trigger him and be like something is wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing something wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: She's mad.
[SPEAKER_01]: She's this.
[SPEAKER_01]: I never knew that before.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where you are.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm classic for beating myself up for things like that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: I can go down a rabbit hole and just I can make myself feel well that big no problem.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because you're bringing place tricks in you.
[SPEAKER_04]: And actually if I get nowhere near what she's thinking, but you're brainstorming something and if you keep it to yourself and you're bottled up.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I like how you presented it to your partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have this problem in my head.
[SPEAKER_05]: Not you made me feel great.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: I just, I've got this narrative.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I actually just learned so much.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm sensitive to tone.
[SPEAKER_02]: So off 10, I just had a big learning right now.
[SPEAKER_02]: Off 10, I will say, well, your grumpy today or your mad.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he actually, because we love our positive happy life and he's like, I'm not, now I feel like I do feel like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I just learned something so I can pose that a different way.
[SPEAKER_02]: I can be like, you know what, I have this.
[SPEAKER_02]: in my head that when you, you know, said that phrase this way that you're upset and that totally it reverses it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because like with my mom there's this thing she's like oh you're always angry and I'm like am I always angry?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not an angry person.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes when there's 5 million things I come home and it's
[SPEAKER_01]: Mommy, mommy, mommy, and then my mom, Bella, Bella, and then he'll be like, I get overwhelmed because there's so much that needs to be taken from me.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, what are you giving back to me?
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's not that I, and then maybe I've come from work, something happened.
[SPEAKER_01]: And now I'm being bombarded for attention.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I get frazzled asal because there's nobody asks me
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, where are you at?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, you do, yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm talking about like the women in the house, you know, just different, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Coming into reality, we are in a house full of women who are paramount of puzzle, pre-teen, and then there's my mom, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, different culture, different upbringing, different background and different education factors, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And everything falls on me.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I get to choose how I respond to that because it was a huge trigger for me when, you know, my mom would say you're always, and I don't think you like it when, because he said I'm not angry.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm not angry.
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, there have been times where I would show think I'm angry, and I would say, you know, I'm not angry when, you know, while you sound angry, I'm not angry, but look at the way I'm angry, while I'm getting angry.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, you're persisting that I am, and it's like, and then it's, yeah, it's still walls from next time.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I live because they are ties, I just come all like, I'll be honest.
[SPEAKER_04]: I've been a truck driver most of my life.
[SPEAKER_04]: So my sometimes my hearing set that great because I've been trucked for a long time.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I talk louder than most people So when I come into a room when I start talking louder some people think I'm upset because I'm talking louder and it's not that I'm upset at all Just this is the way I talk Yeah, right and I don't realize it because I'm in a loud truck all day.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm talking and everything You get to construction sites your yelling to somebody to do this.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and that's all we have a mega phone now
[SPEAKER_04]: So there's a lot of times where people are not just down again, but other people too, think I'm upset.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm like, I don't know where I'm near it.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I have a question about this, is there a time?
[SPEAKER_02]: And so when you start bringing up even like intergenerational, right, in all of these things, because that plays a part in extended family, which is a part of a marriage, is there a time when a person can stay, that's just them?
[SPEAKER_02]: And there's this like a bit of acceptance.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I started doing that with certain parts of different relationships, because I used to get really elevated.
[SPEAKER_02]: And now I just go, that's them.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, as long as it's not, you know,
[SPEAKER_01]: as long as you're not being put down right disrespected and so on so forth because then then you're allowing that and you can set the boundaries you can choose to accept and be like okay that's them but they're still gonna you know cross the boundaries
[SPEAKER_01]: or you can just say, no, I'm not going to be in this situation and I've done that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've walked away from family members.
[SPEAKER_01]: Even though they're family members, I said, this is now my boundary and I'm no longer going to accept this energy because I do not have the space and the capacity for it anymore.
[SPEAKER_01]: This respect sort of all depends, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: If they're confrontational and they don't want to agree, yeah, okay, that's just down
[SPEAKER_01]: You're being put down, if you're being diminished, that's a little different.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so we're talking about questions before curiosity, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because I think this, you know, grace plus curiosity combo is very powerful.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not just about asking questions to the other person, asking questions to yourself, because if you're getting to that place where you just need to be like, hey, they are who they are, leading up to that point, you need to ask yourself some questions around, what is it about this person's behavior, family member or not that makes me feel this way?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, so if it's a tone, if it's a body language, if it's certain for whatever it is, like, is it making me feel like so when I tell myself, oh, they don't like me, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Or whatever it is, they don't think I'm enough.
[SPEAKER_05]: They don't think that I'm capable.
[SPEAKER_05]: They don't think I'm smart enough.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, start asking the questions.
[SPEAKER_05]: Are there things about that that I actually believe or true to me, like maybe I have my own living beliefs that maybe I think that I'm not good enough that I'm not capable?
[SPEAKER_05]: And if that's so,
[SPEAKER_05]: Doesn't mean that maybe what they're doing is is right, but the reality is is that if you don't work on becoming whole in those areas, then not just that person, but any other person, right, who is projecting their own limiting beliefs on to usually it's it's a two way someone is doing or saying things that are not nice.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's the whole three-back one.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And directing something.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's an opportunity for you to look in the mirror.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I agree with myself.
[SPEAKER_04]: Before I met Danica, I was very negative.
[SPEAKER_04]: We kind of down the dumps and just the, but her positivity is just infectious.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm sure you two know that.
[SPEAKER_04]: You're just doing Danica, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's, it's now made me more positive.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not so, I don't, I'm not the negative person I used to be, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: I know I still have my night of thoughts here and there but nowhere near to what I used to be.
[SPEAKER_04]: So the her positivity has rubbed off onto me and it's just and I'm sure there's things that I that I've done that rubbed off onto her.
[SPEAKER_04]: When we got married we we decided that we're no we're no longer individual people.
[SPEAKER_04]: We're we're now one and that's the way we looked at it from day ever since we got married we're one.
[SPEAKER_04]: We complete each other and not to use a cheesy line but
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's I think the idea of I like if you have the intentions because I believe in setting the attention.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when you say if I just trust that he wants us to win, we want us to win, then every interaction is I really like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I did some.
[SPEAKER_02]: training with Kirsten Sagan.
[SPEAKER_02]: So she does this, how do you operate under stress in emotional intelligence?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when they are behaving like so this could be cars and could be another family member, and my stress is elevating, then it kind of showed me my indicators of what happens inside of me, because a lot of struggle I have is in if there's a negative
[SPEAKER_02]: opinion happening or a negative view.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I found out in this training when I am under stress.
[SPEAKER_02]: I go shoot the positive.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what happens for me is this is going to work.
[SPEAKER_02]: We are living a wonderful life and I don't even recognize any of the bad that is going on.
[SPEAKER_02]: But what happens is I don't give people space to talk about how it might not work or what is going wrong.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so that when you say I need to work on myself
[SPEAKER_02]: my relationships and how I react to this trigger of negativeness, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, this is kind of about me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm still going in this journey because I'm just learning this about myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: And leadership is huge and children like even my son who has turned 18, will have kind of a complaint about something and I'll be just ultra positive.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, you're going to make it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he's like, mom, I just need you to hear that this kind of sucked.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think it is about digging in, taking like, pico instituting classes.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, that's why I just applaud you guys, because when I do the work inside of me, I'm a better wife, I'm a better mother, I'm a better leader.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, and yeah, it is, it is about that isn't it?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that, that,
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, it may not be true, but that jump to positivity could be your way of like a coping mechanism to avoid the discomfort.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: So for me, I have become very aware on my humor because when there's situations, right, that I'm finding are really uncomfortable stuff like that.
[SPEAKER_05]: I have a very talented way of introducing humor to try and disarm, which is totally fine, as long as I'm not using it in a way to avoid the situation or avoid the conversation that needs to happen, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And so because
[SPEAKER_05]: As our language has evolved over the centuries, we have all these different terms for discomfort, yeah, you know, anxiety and this and that.
[SPEAKER_05]: But at the end of the day, if we boil it all down, that discomfort when we feel uncomfortable, whatever you want to call it, it's telling us to pay attention to something.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's how we pray attention.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so when we get to a place where constantly avoiding, we're creating this tension and this friction with that, within ourselves because our mind and a body is trying to say, hey, you got to pay attention to this, you know, and we're going, nope.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think that reframe.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it, and then that discomfort this gets bigger and bigger and bigger until forced to deal with it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And usually when you're forced to deal with it, it's a much bigger beast.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it was part of the beginning would have been something so small.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: No, it's totally agree with you.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is truth.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's sometimes, you know, we're scared to say something, fearing some sort of a percussion, whatever, whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: because we create a story within our minds much bigger than what it actually is going to be.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I don't know, I've ever come into a conversation where you're like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be the worst thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just so scared to do it, and then I say it, and then it's like, oh my gosh, I'm like really?
[SPEAKER_01]: I literally gave myself anxiety for the last week building up to this, but if I just came out and just leaned into it and dealt with it, but that comes with.
[SPEAKER_01]: communication and a safe space with your partner to be able to be like, okay, this is our journey.
[SPEAKER_01]: We need to learn how to be each other's safe space.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I can come to you with the difficult conversation.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's a huge behind because I have to be ready whatever he's going to say.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have to be ready if I'm
[SPEAKER_02]: going to ask the question that it is not wrong, but he says back to me, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's his feeling what's feeling inside, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you said safe space, I was like, yes, I have to prepare what he says is not good or bad.
[SPEAKER_02]: It is his feeling and I've asked to hear it, which now is diffusing situation.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, I can use a great example because I do think this is our
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, so I have a ex-husband who is the father to my children and over prayer and him joining the team of believing that forgiveness and kindness is what makes this world great.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're all friends.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: But, you know, I had to go into the driveway one day to talk to him about something.
[SPEAKER_02]: I was laughing, whatever.
[SPEAKER_02]: I come in the house and I notice body change.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I asked
[SPEAKER_02]: is everything okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he says, you know what?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm sorry, but like jealousy is here.
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you're in the driveway, and I see you just laughing and giggling with your ex husband is really hard for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: So
[SPEAKER_02]: I can.
[SPEAKER_04]: I was just honest about it, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Which is great because that could build up some resemblance.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I totally understand what that's like.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's just, we are friends.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I get along with them quite well.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm actually very thankful for that, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But yeah, that was when he feels jealous.
[SPEAKER_02]: He tells me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Which is important.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just had a I want one to know that okay, like hey, I understand we all go along I don't where I totally trust in it with all my heart and soul, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know that you know, but it's just to see that firsthand is just like, oh, what's going on here?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, you know, like that's your axe.
[SPEAKER_04]: Why do you laugh and giggling with your axe?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, why?
[SPEAKER_01]: But then it gives your wife the opportunity to shift
[SPEAKER_01]: your belief and shift that narrative that you have in your head about what's actually happening out there.
[SPEAKER_04]: to change, just like, I don't want her to the next time that happens to be outside and like, okay, better be here, I can't laugh, I can't do it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Did you feel better when you got it out?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I think that's the point.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want her to think, I'm like, I've got to be this way for Jeff because if I act this way, he's going to get upset and I don't want my husband upset, you know, I don't want that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just wanted to let her talk about it.
[SPEAKER_01]: It just felt good to say the beauty of it is this.
[SPEAKER_01]: create this safe space.
[SPEAKER_01]: You could have done it two ways.
[SPEAKER_01]: You could have attacked me like, how could you, don't you believe, and make it about you?
[SPEAKER_01]: What you don't trust me?
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't do this?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, or you could have been that person, which you probably were, as we're still sitting here in here.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is like, actually, no, baby, I hear you.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing to worry.
[SPEAKER_01]: And
[SPEAKER_04]: I know.
[SPEAKER_05]: I hear that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, you love me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm sexy.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'll see jealousy is is one of those terms, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: That more as a language is evolved that we label that we have discomfort.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Exactly.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I'm feeling uncomfortable about this.
[SPEAKER_05]: Now in another way to talk about it is a form of fear.
[SPEAKER_05]: So fight, fight, free starts to kick in because jealousy is the fear of losing.
[SPEAKER_05]: Exactly.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so that's where that jealousy comes in.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you can avoid it by not talking about it, but it's never truly avoided it because it just builds or this is something I need to pay attention to, not doesn't mean stalking.
[SPEAKER_05]: It just means I'm going to have the conversation, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: That's the power of communication is then asking the questions and then giving her the opportunity to say probably laugh and go, oh hell no.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, you were my person, you know, all the guaranteed roles were reversed.
[SPEAKER_05]: It was hit the same thing with that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I got it just.
[SPEAKER_02]: But it's about telling me, you know, that this feeling is, you know, coming up for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: And like you say, I have to receive it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's also deciding.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, you know, what hell I'm going to die on.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: He lets me soar and fly.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's also a thing in marriage.
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know if it's with women.
[SPEAKER_02]: But please let us fly.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because if you keep us, I don't know, I read a book once women who run with wolves.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you gauge us, um, we get a little crazy.
[SPEAKER_02]: So Carson, let's me fly.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I, I really get the freedom of
[SPEAKER_02]: fulfilling all of my stuff.
[SPEAKER_02]: There was one thing I did.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he told me before I want, he's like, I'm not really comfortable with you doing that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And yeah, like, I am doing this.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when I did it, enjoyed it, came home and, you know, body language, body language as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, he's not talking about body language.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he said, you know,
[SPEAKER_02]: I really did not like that you were taking in that and I'm really, yeah, I'm really not comfortable with that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay, I have to be a warrior.
[SPEAKER_02]: I was like, where's she going?
[SPEAKER_02]: No, I didn't know what it was now.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that was the first time that Carson had ever taken such a stance on something.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I could have done two things with that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I could have been, I'm gonna do what I want when I want.
[SPEAKER_02]: But in knowing this man just let's me fly and do whatever you know, it's happy why you happy like that, but you're willing to actually.
[SPEAKER_01]: like lean into the conversations into the growth and the development because as a couple, as human beings, we're always growing.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're not growing, you're dying, you're dying.
[SPEAKER_01]: So every, what is it?
[SPEAKER_01]: Three, five years, we all go through a massive kind of rebirth.
[SPEAKER_01]: We may not know it, but like big shifts, you know, first it's school, marriage, house, kids,
[SPEAKER_01]: we don't notice these changes and how we change as human beings because we're so distracted with all these milestones based on societal construct.
[SPEAKER_01]: But then when we reach a certain level where all of that is kind of done or we've done it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you start looking as like, oh my gosh, how did we get here and one person tends to grow faster than the other And that's when the breakdown starts to happen because we didn't keep the conversation going for years
[SPEAKER_01]: of like the chaos and the distractions.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah and and so in in that moment I decided to you know what he he gives me so much grace he's never taken a stance like this.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah I'm gonna I'm not going to go do that again.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah right and but he had the conversation with me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah instead of I go every week.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah
[SPEAKER_02]: And he sits at home pissed off.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that was a very controversial, I think it to it's like core values, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like for us, when we first got together, I'm like, I will not be with a man who goes to the strippers.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And a few say that boundary.
[SPEAKER_01]: I said that boundary.
[SPEAKER_01]: If that's what you want, if that's what you desire, then go be with someone that lets you do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not going to stop you, but you're just not going to be with me.
[SPEAKER_01]: But you're a friend.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was a friend, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I just, I'm sorry, but I don't do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't find that it helps my marriage or my relationship going and looking out of the men.
[SPEAKER_01]: Make it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And...
[SPEAKER_01]: So, sadly, it's accepted that that's meant to do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm just like, for me, I don't.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not controlling you that it's just my core.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, this is valid.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, the 20 years ago did you put that boundary?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: I celebrate you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, this is the camera.
[SPEAKER_02]: So...
[SPEAKER_02]: I, that is the one thing I think that also has been the success.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm going to talk to the women because I can only know the lived experience of a woman.
[SPEAKER_02]: Set the boundaries from
[SPEAKER_02]: day one, and you have the most beautiful relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: That was something I did not do until I was 35 years old.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I celebrate that you did that.
[SPEAKER_05]: And and these everything we're talking about right now, we we call what so conversations.
[SPEAKER_02]: What so?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because when you take away all the meaning making, when you take away the right wrong, when you take away the agree disagree, all of that stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: it's just what's up without any meeting making.
[SPEAKER_05]: So when someone says, you know, I don't like when you go do that, like Bella saying, I'm setting a boundary, she's not making me wrong for it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just, it's just right.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just what's so not stopping you from doing it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And if you want to be in this relationship,
[SPEAKER_05]: That's not okay with me, that's a boundary.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it gives me the opportunity to go, okay, you know, what's more important, this relationship or going to the stripper.
[SPEAKER_02]: See, you just do, so Carson does things just naturally in a compassionate matter.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're right, because in previous experience of my life, there would have been name calling, accusations, I would have been a bad,
[SPEAKER_02]: And you just naturally, I don't know how you just know how to do that for that year.
[SPEAKER_02]: You do.
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, it does.
[UNKNOWN]: It does.
[SPEAKER_04]: It does.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're right though, because some people, you can't, you're a bad person if you go do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: But it's not about that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: What about them?
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about like you.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: I have this boundaries.
[SPEAKER_01]: I have other boundaries.
[SPEAKER_01]: He has other boundaries.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know people are like, oh, that's controlling.
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, it's not because he is.
[SPEAKER_01]: He has the choice.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not forcing him.
[SPEAKER_01]: He has the choice.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is what I don't like.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is what is not acceptable.
[SPEAKER_01]: I will not be mad.
[SPEAKER_01]: I will not make you wrong.
[SPEAKER_02]: you know what yeah that that is so great because you didn't walk into a lie that way yeah you know you knew early on yeah this was the boundary yeah there was no yeah there was no there was no yes why yes we go together and Vegas yeah no problem then yes and I'm getting the lap dance but no but no but it is so there's a cave it just because I
[SPEAKER_01]: can't change my mind later that too Bella right we get to change your mind you can and and you know as your relationship grows and our experiences grow we will do things that feel right or achy right so then you should be able to talk to the partner your partner and say hey that actually felt a bit ache
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't think I'm okay with that anymore.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I was, maybe I didn't notice it, but right now, in this stage of my life, it actually feels it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't like that at each point.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I do like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: We have room to change.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we are.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, you guys have 20 years.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be changed.
[SPEAKER_05]: It doesn't mean that it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think a lot of the times, again, only can speak from the male perspective, but because we're very much fixtures, a lot of the times when something that can be brought up.
[SPEAKER_05]: we almost take it very like finite, as if it is a decision being made where instead of it just being the starting point of a conversation, a conversation that's just, it's a what's so conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: This makes me, this thing is now that didn't bother me before, it's now beginning to bother me, so let's just explore that.
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's just start talking about like why, what does it mean, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And maybe it's a 20 minute conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: Maybe it's on the drive to the grocery.
[SPEAKER_05]: Maybe it takes a couple of weeks where you keep coming back and doing your talk.
[SPEAKER_05]: But for something is decided and acted upon, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: So these what-so conversations can be big things about boundaries, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And exploring what those are or are not.
[SPEAKER_05]: But they can be small things too going back to the conversation about creating a safe space.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's how you create a safe space.
[SPEAKER_05]: When your partner feels that they can come talk to you about something that happened.
[SPEAKER_05]: Maybe it's made a bad financial decision.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, but he's a big conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, something happened at work.
[SPEAKER_05]: You lost your job.
[SPEAKER_05]: Something on that.
[SPEAKER_05]: To be able to come to your partner, to talk about those uncomfortable things, you know, what's so environment means you're free from being labeled as you did something wrong or a disagree, right, again, and that that doesn't change that there's some responsibility that needs to happen, right, like this in action, we need to deal with the problem that's being hard on the problem.
[SPEAKER_05]: But soft on the person is having those what-so conversations we're going to avoid doesn't mean the labels aren't going to come.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're probably going to Yeah, especially at the beginning when you don't have that muscle.
[SPEAKER_05]: You're going to think those things.
[SPEAKER_05]: But when you can create the space between that meaning, making and how you actually respond and just go, no, you know what, I'm just going to have shelf These filters for now and I'm just going to show up for my partner.
[SPEAKER_05]: Create a safe space for them, not make them wrong.
[SPEAKER_05]: then that opens up a whole world of impossibility for now, not just where that conversation can go and the deeper connection you can have, but even how you solve the problem.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think I would almost want to because I'm going to say I already am walking say I made a big mistake.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, I'm gonna walk in already shame.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, feeding myself up.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's my personality type.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think everybody like when they when something big happens.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, instantly you feel less than yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you lose a job or you like you said fine financial decision.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you crushed the car.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I don't hope.
[SPEAKER_01]: But my first experience, so just before we, and my first experience of him, very early on, I smoosh the car, and that I've been like the whole front was gone, my hair, blue, and I called him, and I was bracing myself for like what the heck, because that was from my previous experience, you know, making me wrong for.
[SPEAKER_01]: What he did, he came in the first he said, live here, you know, okay, it's just a car.
[SPEAKER_01]: To me, that was like, whoa, what's happening right now?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I was not only feeling, oh my god, the car, I'm so stupid.
[SPEAKER_01]: This and that, I'm going to deal.
[SPEAKER_01]: He's going to be so mad and he's going to yell at me through that and he showed up and he's like, it's fine, it's just a car.
[SPEAKER_01]: That was my very first and he was 21 and I was 25.
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Awesome.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think I would if I messed up now that you've taught me.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I learn two new learnings today, but I think I would almost walk in.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if I say this is a what-so conversation, I'm like already like saying so this is a what-so.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: And just, like, top of mine, this is what's so, um, and yeah, I think that's a great tool that marriages could use just to take away the blaming the, yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, when he crashed my car,
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't make him wrong because guess what?
[SPEAKER_01]: We're on the same team.
[SPEAKER_01]: And what's so is we all it can happen to We all must have been all this week.
[SPEAKER_04]: I can date one.
[SPEAKER_04]: We really we use to try to help each other Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: There's been a situation where something's happened to either one of us And we've been together.
[SPEAKER_04]: We don't
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's because back to the very beginning of this, we come wanting to win this marriage.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because of the reference point of previous relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we want we want to win here.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then we know what does it work and we know what works.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the beauty is like when you're coming into a new relationship, um,
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to work through, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because we tend to bring a lot from the past and project into the first thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you think leaving the initial or your first relationship or whatever, yes, fine, go ahead, leave.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I encourage you before you get into the next one, look at the mirror and see what is your contribution to the situation because when Mayor just fell part, when Boyson girl thinks like even early on, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: There's always pointy.
[SPEAKER_01]: He was there's not the word narcissist is flowing around.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there's it's so crazy not everyone is a narcissist people just because you're marriage and it doesn't mean they're a narcissist Right, it just didn't work.
[SPEAKER_02]: I can say I had zero boundaries.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, absolutely zero.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah So then that's the thing is like looking at yourself.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, that's one thing working through that I agree Like I remember there was a part and I began to have a relationship We were really like everything so new you so have everything you're out of here and you look each other I remember saying that
[SPEAKER_04]: Man, I wish I didn't go through what I went through.
[SPEAKER_04]: I wish I would have met you first.
[SPEAKER_04]: But then she would say the same thing to me.
[SPEAKER_04]: But then we realized that we wouldn't be the person the person that we are now because we didn't go through what we did.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I truly believe it was God's plan for us to meet later in life, not when we were both in our 20s.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because back then, we were two different people.
[SPEAKER_04]: it may not have worked back then.
[SPEAKER_04]: But to go through what we, and then meet where we did in life, it has changed everything to us, to respect each other, to love each other, to be there for each other, because we're two different people.
[SPEAKER_05]: Unfortunately, a lot of the catalysts for our grown growth and development come through something bad happen.
[SPEAKER_05]: The breakdown has to happen in order
[SPEAKER_05]: When you talk earlier about you not being a very positive person, generally speaking previously and like now you're like, oh, so much of Danica's road, I'm sure it didn't just occur through osmosis, just from proximity helps for sure.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right, then people that you ran or saw, but I'm sure you've had to do some work on those shifts over time to get to where you are.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so the important part of any relationship working
[SPEAKER_05]: Is about we always say doing the work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, you know, what does that mean?
[SPEAKER_05]: It means scaling yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you want to scale your relationships, you've got to scale yourself and both men and women Can avoid doing but more men avoid doing like the work because it comes across as like well It's like they're the problem is me, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I need to be fixed and
[SPEAKER_05]: And the problem is the other person as well, because we all bring both the best parts of ourselves.
[SPEAKER_05]: And the worst tool in the relationship.
[SPEAKER_05]: What makes a relationship amazing?
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody wants to have an amazing relationship.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not finding that person that's fully healed and there's no bad parts of them.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's like, and they're going to make me better.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: two people that are committed to not just each other, but two yourself on working on those bad parts.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, right, or whatever terminology.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can't go looking for someone to fix you.
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to fix yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if you're constantly looking for a partner who's going to be this for you and this,
[SPEAKER_01]: At some point when they're not, you're going to blame them for making you feel a certain way about yourself, but you've already felt that way about yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you need to start loving yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to be more kinder.
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to do the work and again that mirror.
[SPEAKER_01]: what am I contributing?
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we always look for, oh, you have the list.
[SPEAKER_01]: This person, I want them to be smart.
[SPEAKER_01]: I want them to be emotionally stable.
[SPEAKER_01]: I want, I will say, okay, great.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's your 20, I want.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, mirror that and see, do you have all of those things?
[SPEAKER_01]: that you're bringing to the relationship or are you just looking for someone to come in and be all of that for you?
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a good point.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's very, and that's where the work, that's where the shift happens, where you have relationships that work and thrive is when you look and say, okay, am I those things for the time?
[SPEAKER_02]: Am I the best wife I can be
[SPEAKER_02]: with myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Then I am a better everything.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it it's having an and conversation with yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not about constant looking at like, Oh, I suck.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not doing it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I need to constantly work on myself.
[SPEAKER_05]: So that's it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay, here's school M today.
[SPEAKER_05]: Here are the things of where I'm great.
[SPEAKER_05]: Here are the things that I'm grateful for.
[SPEAKER_05]: And here are the things that I need to work on.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because that's part of the infinite name is constantly looking at how we can achieve our potential and our potential is infinite if we're willing to do the work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: What's for everything in life?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love the fact that you said the AND conversation
[SPEAKER_01]: people were asking, can you get into a relationship or move forward when you're still healing?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, because you can be working on a new relationship and you can be healing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can be loving and you can be hurt.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, right.
[SPEAKER_01]: That was the big one for me for our
[SPEAKER_01]: That's that, see you later, I'll be the Zain, the Vijania goodbye, but we chose to work so it, beautiful.
[SPEAKER_01]: So yes, I
[SPEAKER_01]: was falling back in love with the new version of my husband.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I still was hurt.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And having that space for both of this made huge difference because when you don't create the space for the end, the hurt part, I was lying to myself.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was pretending everything is fine.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, but I'm still outside because I'm not dealing it by myself.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it was isolation, I felt alone lonely.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, with some work and counseling, and his end piece, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: We were able to move forward in a much healthier, and a much faster pace of healing for me, because I created space for those moments for myself.
[SPEAKER_01]: And he created space for me to be grieving and so on, so forth.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, you know, you create space, you know, grace for yourself, you do as well.
[SPEAKER_05]: I constantly think of these things like these are the investments, right, that you put into yourself and into your relationship when you were doing things like whether it's taking classes or going to counseling or things like that, usually we wait until a point where it's like something is broken and it needs to be fixed.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, where it should be done with all of that as an investment,
[SPEAKER_05]: that resentment doesn't build right and and when not if when things get to a breaking point doesn't mean necessarily it means it has to break sometimes it does but you are way more equipped to deal with those situations right as a couple right where something can break but it doesn't necessarily have to break you.
[SPEAKER_02]: So one thing I was thinking of
[SPEAKER_02]: And what we've been talking about a lot is also surrounding yourself with couples who want to learn and grow and have the most incredible marriage ever and that marriage can be all the things we've worked towards and wanted to be.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think, you know, making a narrative and surround in yourself couples like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So at the class that we go to, there's actually, you know, from 75 years old, all the way to, I'll say the youngest pipe 40.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's interesting because you say when, and it is beautiful to surround ourselves with these people who still at 75 are working on their marriage, but it gives me a little light into what breaks a marriage at 75, what breaks a marriage at 60, what breaks a marriage at 40.
[SPEAKER_02]: And when we're all intergeneratially a group of people who just want to pour into our marriages because it was created to be the most beautiful relationship on this earth.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it's to share.
[SPEAKER_02]: And now I know, okay, when I'm 75 and we're both retired, we really have to work at not getting complacent.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because there's more time.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like already thinking.
[SPEAKER_02]: what tools and resources do we mean.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm excited to sit here with you today and Carson and I are really excited to meet you as a couple because we love surrounding our cells with couples we can learn from who think marriage can be beautiful and honest and not sure clearly about things like that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, a hundred percent.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and we're really grateful that you guys came and shared openly about your wins and struggles because it is all, it all comes down to communication.
[SPEAKER_01]: So how we communicate with each other is whether we're thriving or surviving.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And yes, there's moments of survival.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: But we want to be thriving.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it all comes down to that.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm going to look like nothing to hide like this is who I am.
[SPEAKER_04]: This is who I am.
[SPEAKER_04]: This is what I want.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when we both communicate with each other on on that, it's just it just works.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you want to fall in love.
[SPEAKER_02]: Talk to someone about your marriage and what you love about each other because you know now I'm just like, oh, you know, we're gonna go home focusing on feel all the fields Yeah, it is it's like when you drift your focus.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's where are you pouring your energy because when you focus It's that car analogy, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like when you buy it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yes, then you see it everywhere Yes, or you never saw you buy it.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like really.
[SPEAKER_01]: Why is there so many orange bars around right?
[SPEAKER_03]: I've never seen one
[SPEAKER_01]: the same goes with your marriage.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're constantly looking for what's wrong, that's what you will find.
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you shift your focus and your energy to what is working,
[SPEAKER_01]: And having that vision and mission, I mean, you can focus on you guys go way to do that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Don't you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we do.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we have our best conversations when we leave the house.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we did notice we had to whether that was just going down to Colatly for a picnic, whether that's a craft brewery.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we have to leave our home to truly connect in these conversations that I know you guys do that with your goal planning, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we usually go to a hotel because in fact there's no distractions.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're together.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no kids, no friends, no cell phones, just us.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you do.
[SPEAKER_01]: You get to feel the feel of dreaming.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we are going to be putting together a couple of retreats.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like one is for the goal settings and then one the ultimate couples
[SPEAKER_01]: get away.
[SPEAKER_01]: But it is about creating that space to start dreaming again, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And not only dreaming together, but what are your dreams for yourself?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it's so important not to lose yourself and constantly just think about I'm going to sacrifice.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I want to sacrifice and and the power of and and I still want to feel fulfilled.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want to be.
[SPEAKER_02]: I might not even know
[SPEAKER_02]: I find out this beautiful drinking house that I've never because of the busyness of life.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've never known.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you can decide with what, like, how then you can support him, right, and achieving that dream because we have one life.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, what if you find out that you go to this retreat and you find out there's a dream that you have that you never knew though?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because you've been living in the constraints and limitations of a business woman, a mom, wife, all these things, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: But there's also Danica, and that's the beauty of this.
[SPEAKER_01]: We found ourselves and each other by doing this, because literally there's two people.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're running like this.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a good visual, it's not always like this.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a dance.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's wonderful.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be dancing at the getaway, of course.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, inclusive.
[SPEAKER_01]: Alrighty, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you guys for coming.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for this beautiful conversation.
[SPEAKER_01]: Love what you guys do and what you're about.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that Danica's always the one that's always with the megaphone has been so important and I do agree.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are a unit that support each other so we can both win.
[SPEAKER_01]: So thank you again for coming and working people find you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, if you go on to Instagram, I'm on Mama Wife money.
[SPEAKER_02]: That is my handle.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll be excited to connect with you there.
[SPEAKER_02]: And you will see Carson Dutz on Mama Wife money.
[SPEAKER_02]: Quite often.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: I would say Facebook, Carson Dutch.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you want to reach out, you know, Carson has reached many men.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think thank you Lee for what you're doing.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm going to invite any man that watched this and has some questions for Carson or for Lee to reach out and ask those questions and I think they're too men.
[SPEAKER_02]: that would be more than happy to share some answers or insights or even, hey, maybe a coffee or something like that with you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, we'll see you next time.
[SPEAKER_05]: Until next time.
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye.
[SPEAKER_05]: We hope you enjoyed today's episode and gained valuable insights to elevate your life and business.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you found value in our conversation, spread the love, share this episode with family and friends and let's grow this supportive community together.
[SPEAKER_05]: And don't forget to like and follow us, we can reach more amazing people just like you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time, remember, let's not struggle coded, keep it real raw and unfiltered.