[SPEAKER_04]: Welcome back to Let's Not Sugar Coded.
[SPEAKER_04]: Season 3 is here and we're excited to dive into the core of communication relationships and leadership.
[SPEAKER_05]: We are hosts, Bella and Lee.
[SPEAKER_05]: A husband and wife duo with a successful business helping couples and organizations get it together to play a bigger game and elevate the relationships and performance.
[SPEAKER_04]: We believe in keeping it real, so each week we'll bring you incredible guests onto the nurse sharing their authentic experiences along with episodes featuring just the two of us tackling the tough topics.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, if you're ready to enhance your connections and sharpen your leadership skills, you're in the right place, let's get started.
[SPEAKER_04]: Welcome to another episode of Let's Not Sugar Coded.
[SPEAKER_04]: Today we're going to be talking about communication relationship, relationships, and
[SPEAKER_05]: We're gonna do like a fun form of like Q&A.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, Q&A and like what we went through the last couple of years and what it took to get us from where we were to where we are today.
[SPEAKER_05]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_05]: And where we're going.
[SPEAKER_04]: And where we're going.
[SPEAKER_04]: And how exciting it is.
[SPEAKER_04]: And how it to work it actually takes because relationships are work.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, relationships are work.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's not like when you
[SPEAKER_05]: or you don't have an aha moment or you are like, okay, I have this tool and modality and I'm going to apply it that the first time you use it, that all of a sudden it's like, oh, everything transforms everything changes.
[SPEAKER_05]: Rarely does transformation occur in in a moment as far as how you know, manifests and shows up in life.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's like, got to take it, apply it, actions consistently over time, all the
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Things have changed.
[SPEAKER_05]: We've changed.
[SPEAKER_04]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_05]: But it wasn't like... I was messy.
[SPEAKER_05]: We woke up and things changed.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: It was over time.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then looking back, as well as reminding each other of where...
[SPEAKER_05]: where the big things hadn't yet changed when I see big things like on the path to change every again, everything doesn't change at once.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's like little things and start changing in parts of your life and you've got to remind each other that there are things changing.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, especially through the messy parts, because we did get messy.
[SPEAKER_04]: We tried an error.
[SPEAKER_04]: Like you said, you know, we put things into motion.
[SPEAKER_04]: We said we're going to be these people.
[SPEAKER_04]: This is what we want.
[SPEAKER_04]: We aired out all the things that needed to be said.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then we started working on ourselves.
[SPEAKER_04]: And
[SPEAKER_04]: our relationship.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it was through those messiness.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like that reminders like, hey, it's okay to be here.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's okay to go back because changing your inner pathways like your habits takes a long time.
[SPEAKER_05]: It takes a long time, and that's where that consistency having that perseverance to keep on using it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because sometimes we're very conditioned that when we do something for the first time, we expect that it's going to give us the results right away.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's not how it works.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so sometimes we... That's me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm full of patience.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, like we're going to let me finish talking right now.
[SPEAKER_04]: See, it's like, yeah, it is.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like being patient is so important with each other and with ourselves.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I would say that when people talk about creating space for another person, sometimes we use the word by creating a container, that's a lot to do with it, is to be patient and just wait for the other person to continue to express how they're feeling and at the
[SPEAKER_05]: Being patient, me being patient with you, when you are expressing how you're feeling about something and having the emotional intelligence to know that just because you're feeling a certain way doesn't mean it's true.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, to then allow ourselves,
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay, this is what I heard you say, you know, and, you know, is that right or not right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because it also makes me feel this way.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you allow the other person to be able to be like, well, no, that's not what I meant.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you get to have the, then up, back in the fourth conversation about the meaning making before things get set in stone.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because a lot of the times when we have
[SPEAKER_05]: emotional dialogue.
[SPEAKER_05]: Then we talked about this on a previous episode about what so conversations.
[SPEAKER_05]: The meeting making takes over and when someone else is saying something that you don't want to hear.
[SPEAKER_05]: then all of a sudden we start doing all this meeting, making about, oh, you are making me angry, or you are saying that I'm not good enough, or whatever it might be, instead of just parking those thoughts, not subscribing to them, when they come through like those emails in your inbox, that are just annoying.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's kind of like the nice negative thoughts, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And just unsubscribe, unsubscribe, unsubscribe,
[SPEAKER_05]: Hold space for the person.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, and then having that courage and safety, courage and safety, two things, creating a safe space for somebody to come share.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then having that courage to share something that might be uncomfortable, that, you know, we tied to.
[SPEAKER_04]: We have had a conversation now, well, while I go, I would say, about where we are.
[SPEAKER_04]: you know financially business-wise and so and so forth.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know for you there's really uncomfortable to talk about money because what you told me you were like I'm a provider, I'm the protector and you weren't feeling that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: But it took courage for you to share that with me
[SPEAKER_04]: created what stories you created within you that you couldn't.
[SPEAKER_04]: So then what happened to me was thinking, well, you're not saying a couple things.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not sure where we are.
[SPEAKER_04]: So then I started creating my own stories because I don't have all the facts.
[SPEAKER_04]: about you're not wanting to work with me, you're not wanting us to be a team and so on and so forth, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So that's where the danger lies in miscommunication, misunderstanding, not knowing all the truth and the stories that we create within our head.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I mean, the mind is amazing at filling space.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so we had information vacuums.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: The mind will just be like, okay, let's make meaning of this and come up with a story on why this must be and then it becomes true.
[SPEAKER_05]: It becomes our reality at that time and then the more that we hold on to it and we don't actually talk about it.
[SPEAKER_05]: The more that that story actually starts to even become more in grain and sometimes even change over time.
[SPEAKER_04]: do you want to share a little bit about a perspective that maybe that some people are in in the same situation where especially men that feel like they need to provide, need to protect and let's see things are not going the way they feel like what made you not want to share with me and where the transformation where the courage came from to actually finally come and say hey this is where
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I mean, it's going back to the providing and protecting peace, I mean, it's always been
[SPEAKER_05]: I think in grain, since a young age, that that's what a man does, is provides for his family.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so when there gets to a point, and plus, I'm also a recovering perfectionist as well, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: So I have really, really high expectations for my own performance, always have.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think that's been something that has created success for us in life.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then when things don't go the way that I would like them to, right, then that's extra pressure.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then there's okay, but I got a plan and I'll figure it out and then maybe that doesn't work out the way that I want it to either.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then something and then things become even bigger than in my head.
[SPEAKER_05]: I feel like sharing that is then putting some of the burden that I am feeling onto you.
[SPEAKER_05]: And where you are like, let me share the load.
[SPEAKER_05]: That also makes me feel guilty, I think actually, where, you know, I shouldn't be sharing that guilt with you because it's mine to bear.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then the idea of sharing that with you, I think, also brings in some shame.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because then I'm like, oh, like, I'm making you feel, even though I'm not making you feel, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: But in my head, it's like, I'm making you feel the way that I feel right now.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I don't want that for you.
[SPEAKER_03]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: I think, like I said when we're having this conversation, like I will stand in front of the sun,
[SPEAKER_05]: and burn and burn in order to give you the shade so you don't and um and what was interesting of course was in this conversation you sang well like I am also willing to do the same and immediately you know this sense of the density came up for me where it was well
[SPEAKER_05]: If you're standing in the sun, giving me shade, because I believe I should be the one standing in the sun, giving you shade.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if I'm not doing that, then who am I?
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, it's up to you to figure that out.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, that's a huge identity journey.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I think that has a lot to do with it, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just not wanting to share, because it's the feeling of in providing and protecting,
[SPEAKER_05]: When it's also about protecting you, right, from when things are not going the way is planned, which wake up call that's life, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Future is always unpredictable and uncertain.
[SPEAKER_05]: We like to pretend that it's not.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so there's this identity piece where it's like, well, I have to print it.
[SPEAKER_05]: If I'm not protecting you, then who am I?
[SPEAKER_05]: And then so this thought process,
[SPEAKER_05]: When you think about it, if it's like, I'm standing in front of the sun disintegrating from the heat in order to protect you.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think a lot of people out there, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Even a lot of men think of it that way where that's what it means to provide and protect is to put everyone else that you love and care about.
[SPEAKER_05]: Prioritize them.
[SPEAKER_05]: They're well-being, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And as a result, you deprioratize yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: And, you know, what gain and what value does that provide if you do that to such an extreme that you disintegrate, you burn up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm in the sun anyways.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_05]: And we're
[SPEAKER_05]: communication and that clarity and that news where we're exchanging back and forth, still using that standing in the sun metaphor allows us to be able to have that recovery and recuperation, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: So that this way neither one of us are in that position where we're on fire.
[SPEAKER_04]: On fire, yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, and for me that was like such a big,
[SPEAKER_04]: shift in closeness and connection because before that, you know, I felt like, what is happening?
[SPEAKER_04]: I wasn't sure.
[SPEAKER_04]: You closed off a little bit.
[SPEAKER_04]: I say you were hiding.
[SPEAKER_04]: You were throwing yourself into work.
[SPEAKER_04]: Go, go, go, go, go.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I kind of felt a problem in solving mode, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: However,
[SPEAKER_04]: the problem, or trying to come up with the solution.
[SPEAKER_04]: So that's what then creates that distance, that disconnect, because we're not in it together.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: One person is trying to carry that burden all by themselves.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when we had that conversation, which was tough, because it didn't start off, it's like, hey, what's going on?
[SPEAKER_04]: It was me going, this is where I'm at.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't feel connected.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't feel like we're working this together.
[SPEAKER_04]: And so and so and so and so and so.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because I had created all these stories inside my head, why you don't want to work with me, why you don't want to continue this and so and so forth.
[SPEAKER_04]: But that was not the case.
[SPEAKER_04]: The case was you didn't want me to feel a certain way.
[SPEAKER_04]: to have all kinds of, especially the tough conversations.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because we always say, how are you supposed to know where you're going if you don't know where you are?
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_04]: So how are you supposed to know where we're going if I didn't know where we were?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: So, and go ahead, you were good at it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, and that also,
[SPEAKER_04]: Then bond it us, and then we were able to come up with our vision, a mission, a plan, and start executing it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Faster with more velocity, teamwork, and that togetherness, versus you carrying the load all by yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I just wanted to say, because another part of your question was around like the courage to, you know, step into it and have the conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's been this daily practice that I have called the daily ritual, where it started off with talking the whole manifesting, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Just focusing on what it is that I want.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's always a good reminder as far as your dreams, your visions for your life as well.
[SPEAKER_05]: And how that transition from just writing down the things
[SPEAKER_05]: Everything from what I want from a business, perspective business growth, relationship growth, things I want as a family, travel, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: The things that I want is myself, right, in my growth and development.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's not always just material.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it went into, well, what type of person do I need to be?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: To accomplish these wants.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I write them in present tests, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: So I am strong, I am capable of doing difficult things, I am capable of doing hard things, those types.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I, that,
[SPEAKER_05]: Matured into then adding a third column, which is that I wills.
[SPEAKER_05]: So then it's okay.
[SPEAKER_05]: Now let's take this I want I am's and then turn it into action.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so one of the things that I write in there daily is I will seek out
[SPEAKER_05]: discomfort and embrace it or lean into it and so that was one of those situations where there was discomfort and then every time you feel discomfort, if you slow things down, you give yourself the opportunity to choose.
[SPEAKER_05]: Am I going to run away or avoid this discomfort?
[SPEAKER_05]: Or am I going to lean into it and embrace it?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And obviously the choice was to lean in and embrace it, which was uncomfortable at first.
[SPEAKER_05]: But then the outcome, which seems to be almost always the outcome of those,
[SPEAKER_05]: uncomfortable situations, those conversations are always something good, some type of gold on the other end.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, we always take something away from it and there's all those aha moments because growth in development never stops unless you choose to stop it.
[SPEAKER_04]: But yeah, there's those aha moments like holy man, why were we here for so long?
[SPEAKER_04]: Why don't take me this long?
[SPEAKER_04]: And once you start leaning into that discomfort, it becomes easier and easier.
[SPEAKER_04]: When that feeling arises, I'm like, oh, I don't know if I'm capable, I don't know, you know, that voice inside your head, that's like, I'm gonna protect you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Don't do it, it's scary.
[SPEAKER_04]: No, you're much faster able to be like, thank you for the warnings.
[SPEAKER_04]: Been there done that.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm still gonna do it anyways.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, and the more that you bring awareness to the default reaction that most human beings have to lean away from anything that's uncomfortable, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: So fear, you're scared whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_05]: And realize that, okay, most of the things that I'm uncomfortable about aren't actually going to, like they're not life-ending conversations or situations.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just that fear of looking bad or some form of that.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you start leaning in, you can actually retrain that
[SPEAKER_05]: that reaction to then just as you're saying, where what take might take a lot longer at the beginning to go from where you used to be in a state of inaction, to move to action.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a longer path because there's all the stuff you need to work through, the more that you work on it, the faster you get there to all of a sudden, you will come to a point where you don't even really realize that you're leaning into
[SPEAKER_05]: discomfort.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just it's there and your body then registers as all.
[SPEAKER_05]: This emotion is feeling of uncomfortable means I need to act.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you just do it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I mean, we've been through so many situations with each other, but also with friends.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Where?
[SPEAKER_04]: when there are uncomfortable situations because there is tension sometimes between friends and friendships and you want to deal with something and I always say give it a day or two max because then it grows and festers and the problem or the situation or the breakdown grows to a way larger
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's when all those stories start creating and so on and so forth.
[SPEAKER_04]: So yeah, and sometimes you just have to let things go.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: We went through a purging of friendships.
[SPEAKER_04]: Both sides, I mean, we're not for everyone and we've come to terms that
[SPEAKER_04]: Like what's that saying?
[SPEAKER_04]: They're here for a reason a season or a lifetime.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when you come with that, I always tell my kids too because they're so into our kids.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: So my kids, I, it's good.
[SPEAKER_04]: Um, that, because they're, their whole life is friends, right now.
[SPEAKER_04]: And everything is 10 times more emotional.
[SPEAKER_04]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_04]: Um, because they're just starting to learn those relationships and the different conflicts.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I always tell them,
[SPEAKER_04]: We always tell them, you know, friends come and go, what is the lesson?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Our OG's friends were holding onto or was this a time in your life where
[SPEAKER_04]: they were meant to be in your life.
[SPEAKER_04]: And now it's time for them to move on because you're grown, you're developed.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's the shift that happens when you are in a path of growth and development and you're up to big things.
[SPEAKER_04]: There are people who are going to fall off because they're not growing.
[SPEAKER_04]: And there's the jealousy or whatever that comes up with when you're scaling, when you're moving,
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah, your friends are part of your ecosystem, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Your network, your environment, and that ecosystem as much as you wanna believe it or not believe it, influences your behavior, your actions, your habits, your mindset, and so no matter how intentional you are on having all the right habits, mindsets, and so on,
[SPEAKER_05]: your ecosystem is still gonna have an influence on that.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so you need to be mindful of who's a part of that ecosystem.
[SPEAKER_05]: And people change, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And so who started off as really good friend?
[SPEAKER_05]: At one point, may down the road doesn't mean that you become a bad person or they become a bad person, but you're just not for each other anymore, or maybe it's not that whole cancel culture thing where somebody is like, oh, we don't hang out as much as we used to, so now it's like we won't hang out at all.
[SPEAKER_05]: You just make the decisions like, sometimes that's just the relationship has changed to, you used to hang out all the time, and now it's not so often, that's not a bad thing necessarily.
[SPEAKER_05]: But there are times when you have people that maybe they were always very negative or right, just of a, you know, lack mindset or whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you didn't notice it because you were in that same space.
[SPEAKER_05]: Same space, same state.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then as you start to get out of, you see things differently.
[SPEAKER_05]: You experience people differently.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then it be hooves you to do something about it, and take action.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that can also be something that's very uncomfortable to do, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: When you really enjoy it for a long time, you're a lot of memories, a lot of history with somebody to then have to make that choice.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, I can't afford to put my energy into this relationship anymore, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, when it becomes toxic energy, where you are fighting more for the relationship than they are fighting for, then it's time to let things go.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I like what you said about the cancel culture.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like you have one disagreement, and people don't want to sit in their own shed.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_04]: What I love about our growth and development were able to step out of the situation.
[SPEAKER_04]: And looking at the mirror and saying, okay, how did I contribute to this?
[SPEAKER_04]: And what is mine to own and what is not?
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's difficult when people are not in that mindset where they're always looking on the outside.
[SPEAKER_04]: They always have that magnifying glass and pointing it on everybody else.
[SPEAKER_04]: But they are never willing to put the mirror up to them so that they're blaming everybody else for their situation, for the relationship.
[SPEAKER_04]: Look, whatever it is,
[SPEAKER_04]: but they're not willing to look in the mirror and be like, hey, I'm actually contributing to this.
[SPEAKER_04]: And they're not open to listening to the other side, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: It's constantly, me, me, me, me, I, I, I. Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like both those thing through friendships and just because we can pick up another friend somewhere else.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: One of it, yeah, it had me think about like our, some of our best
[SPEAKER_05]: you know relationships that we have are people that yeah we you know we have fun but but they're also people that we can have those uncomfortable conversations with on on both sides where they're calling us out on our stuff or vice versa and on both sides we may not
[SPEAKER_05]: Even though you may not like what you're hearing, when you know that the other person is on your team, that no matter what they want you to win, it changes that perspective.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're like, okay, this person is sharing this with me, not because they're trying to make me look bad, but it's actually want me to look in the mirror.
[SPEAKER_05]: They want me to win, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: They want me to get over this obstacle, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I remember one of our really good friends.
[SPEAKER_04]: We had a six-month break.
[SPEAKER_04]: It was like a break-up.
[SPEAKER_04]: Over a really misunderstanding that we were just not able to communicate properly.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I remember going over to their house and
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, I sat there quietly and I just listened and my friend told me, she's like, you know, Bella, you know, sometimes I just feel like, you know, you don't listen, you don't let me speak because, you know, I know you live this like lavish lifestyle, but I sometimes need to talk about my work and so and so forth.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then I was like, wow, I could have taken it as like, what are you talking about?
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm here to support.
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't realize I wasn't showing up the way I thought I was, because when I was coming and being like, oh, don't worry, like all the things, life is, you can have this week, you can have it that way, I thought I was supporting.
[SPEAKER_04]: But she took it as, I'm not listening and that her life isn't as fine, let's say, as my life,
[SPEAKER_04]: There's no value in her sharing, which is not what my intentions were.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I listened and I took that and I'm like, yeah, that was years ago and that's when I started to really pay attention to what my friends need at that particular moment.
[SPEAKER_04]: Do they need a person that just sits there and holds space?
[SPEAKER_04]: Are they actually asking for advice, or am I giving it, without... And solicited advice?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: What is it that they want me to problem solve?
[SPEAKER_04]: Do they want me to make them feel better?
[SPEAKER_04]: Or do they just want to be heard?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's when it clicked.
[SPEAKER_04]: But it took that breakup for us to actually come together and say, hey, I think we're all on the same page.
[SPEAKER_04]: However, these are some of the things that are showing up on both sides, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because there's a few things that we also needed to say, but neither here or there.
[SPEAKER_04]: But that was the first moment where I was like, okay, I need to be a little bit more aware of what our friends need.
[SPEAKER_05]: And think of that, it's a Stephen Covey quote, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: First seek to understand in order to be understood.
[SPEAKER_05]: And what we're covered that six-month break, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: What we covered that relationship was exactly that.
[SPEAKER_05]: Was on both sides.
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's first seek to understand what got us to this point in order for us to then individually be understood.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's so important.
[SPEAKER_04]: What's something that you... oh wait, but let me tell you, if you're friends with me, when you're friends with me, if you are my friend, and you ask for my advice, do not expect me to sugarcode the shit.
[SPEAKER_04]: Unless you want me to say, Bella, I just want you to agree with me.
[SPEAKER_04]: There will be things that I will not agree with.
[SPEAKER_04]: And if you're asking for my opinion, I will tell you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because I expect the same.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because when I'm asking for true opinion, I'm expecting my friends to be fricking honest with me and tell me, you're not actually seeing it the way you're seeing.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's where that whole friendship piece I feel comes where we hold each other accountable and then we're willing to listen when we ask for the advice because we're not always going to agree so don't ask for advice.
[SPEAKER_04]: If you're not willing to hear something that does not align with you
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, and then also you can look at it from, you know, a perspective of again, like growth.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And positive change because if you ask for some advice, even if you're anticipating that that advice is gonna come back, you know, positive someone's gonna give you, you're gonna hear something that you already want to hear, but it ends up not being, again, that form of,
[SPEAKER_05]: uncomfortableness that you begin to feel, whether it shows up as anger, frustration, disconnect, you start to withdraw, those are like little signals to grab the mirror and start to get curious as, why am I feeling this way?
[SPEAKER_05]: Why is it when this person mentions this, whatever it is, why is it making me feel, why is it making me defensive?
[SPEAKER_05]: and really explore that.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's where that growth is gonna come from, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And so don't just cancel out friends just because they make you feel uncomfortable with your thoughts.
[SPEAKER_04]: Or disagree with you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Or disagree with you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Like that thing is not a thing.
[SPEAKER_05]: What a boring relationship that would be.
[SPEAKER_04]: One sided.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you always agree with everything someone said, yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: all the time.
[SPEAKER_05]: I agree.
[SPEAKER_04]: I say, be open because how we think we show up for others may not be how we actually show up.
[SPEAKER_05]: So how would you go about finding that out?
[SPEAKER_04]: If you think you're showing up a certain way in any relationship, I mean, you listen to the responses, like literally it's in their responses.
[SPEAKER_04]: If somebody says something or whatnot and then you can see the body language and the words that they use and how they start, you know, whether it's defending or attacking, you need to then look it's like, okay, why are they now responding the way to my,
[SPEAKER_05]: Whatever.
[SPEAKER_04]: Whatever.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think a good way.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, we use this technique, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Even just with each other.
[SPEAKER_05]: Or sometimes if, if, you know, I say something and I get a read on you that it's like you're being a little triggered or vice versa, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You say something and I feel that triggered, we actually will take a pause and go, okay, hold on.
[SPEAKER_05]: What, what did you hear me say?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: All right, what words or language did I use that has you feeling the way that you feel?
[SPEAKER_05]: And then that puts a pause on the conversation to address the meaning making.
[SPEAKER_05]: Get back on track of that's not what I meant, or maybe, okay, it is what I meant, but why does that upset you?
[SPEAKER_05]: And then deal with that.
[SPEAKER_05]: So then we can actually move on.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, it's like yesterday with the turkey.
[SPEAKER_04]: I did tell you to put the frickin' jerky in earlier, and you were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and then the turkey took an extra two and a half hours, and we were late for dinner, and you know, at the beginning I was annoyed, but I was annoyed because we were late, two hours, and at the turkey wasn't then, I was annoyed because you wouldn't admit.
[SPEAKER_04]: that you should have at the beginning you did not you did not admit that you know you should have taken and put the turkey in when I said you didn't like you were standing your guard and making excuses about well the turkey said five whatever whatever no I'm saying the whole thing for me was that
[SPEAKER_04]: you didn't acknowledge that, you know, yeah, I should have put the turkey in, because it's unpredictable and you were right.
[SPEAKER_04]: That was what I was annoyed about, because I mean, things happen.
[SPEAKER_04]: We're able to let it go, but you would not let go of the fact that it was everything else except for that one piece that if you put the turkey in real time.
[SPEAKER_05]: It wasn't for everything else.
[SPEAKER_05]: Things would have worked out the way that I planned.
[SPEAKER_04]: You got to plan the plan and plan ahead of the plan.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_04]: So, okay, so, how do you think our communication changed in the last two years?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I think it's changed in a lot of ways.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I think one of the foundational parts has been
[SPEAKER_05]: It embracing vulnerability, like on my side, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because
[SPEAKER_05]: I would have avoid having certain conversations in order to avoid any kind of discomfort, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And so then I would just be like, no, you know, we'll have it later.
[SPEAKER_05]: It was always like, I'd push it off.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's why I talk so much about, you gotta deal with it now when you feel it because the more you prolong it and put it off,
[SPEAKER_05]: The more that that uncomfortableness that discomfort just builds, because I lived it and experienced it, because that's what would happen.
[SPEAKER_05]: Is it would just build until a point where you have no choice but to face it, because it's become this big enough thing that it's like it has its own gravity now, and it's drawing and pulling you in, you can't avoid it anymore, you can't run away from it.
[SPEAKER_05]: But the difference then is that when that happens,
[SPEAKER_05]: You're no longer dealing with it on your own terms.
[SPEAKER_05]: You're then dealing with the issue on it's terms, because it turned into something way uglier than it would have been if I just would have dealt with it earlier.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so that's been a huge piece.
[SPEAKER_05]: I would say that'd be the first and foremost.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I agree.
[SPEAKER_04]: I do feel like that has been a powerful shift in our communication,
[SPEAKER_04]: When, you know, I wouldn't bring stuff to your attention.
[SPEAKER_04]: And you would either say, oh, that's, are you problem?
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not feeling this way.
[SPEAKER_04]: Or whatever, or avoidable deal with the leader and leader never came.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then we piled on another thing.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then that was in dealt with.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then another thing.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then that was in dealt with.
[SPEAKER_04]: At some point, I had my breaking point.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's when our communication became,
[SPEAKER_04]: non communication.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it's seem like the only way that we would deal with issues is for it to become a conflict.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's like we trained each other.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: that the only way we could potentially deal with uncomfortable situations in our life was for it to be a conflict.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, like a fight.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then yeah, so.
[SPEAKER_05]: So then that that becomes then the experience.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then then you want to avoid it even more because now it can't be
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: And now when things pop up, we may not deal with it at that particular moment because we always say if our heart rate is a certain level because you know, we all have emotions.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's not like we're flat lining.
[SPEAKER_04]: There will be conflict.
[SPEAKER_04]: There will be tension.
[SPEAKER_04]: But remember we were sitting with friends and we're having a heated discussion and then you came in and just completely
[SPEAKER_04]: Our heart rates are well above 120.
[SPEAKER_04]: This conversation is now going to go anywhere and because we've been preaching that, you've been preaching that.
[SPEAKER_04]: It just like, de-armed everyone who started to laugh and you're like, you're right.
[SPEAKER_04]: We just need to have another glass of wine and just...
[SPEAKER_04]: Chillax enjoy and, you know, want and talk about it when we're not so elevated and then we kind of explore why this was triggering and so and so far because we were being triggered by past situations and then bringing it into the conversation, but nobody knew
[SPEAKER_04]: anyone's past no experiences, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: And it just becomes this like trigger stacking.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so yeah, and it's science supported like 90 to 100 beats per minute, like once you're in that,
[SPEAKER_05]: area of heart rate.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's when your you start to get flooded.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
[SPEAKER_05]: Your your fighter flight begins to kick in and your ability to really rationalize and stop just out the window.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And so and it took a little bit too for me to actually trust that we would come back to the conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it wasn't just like a mechanism to avoid having the dialogue.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, yeah, because before that's, you know, you'd say this is we're going to talk about it later and later never came or I'm not dealing with this right now.
[SPEAKER_04]: Let's go to sleep and then again, we didn't deal with it.
[SPEAKER_04]: So when we were shifting and transitioning into
[SPEAKER_04]: you know, intentionally leaning in and having these conversations and doing the work and you know, that growth training that muscle.
[SPEAKER_04]: It also took
[SPEAKER_04]: like a bit of my own shifting.
[SPEAKER_04]: In my experiences of you, when in the middle of the night, it's one in the morning and we should be sleeping and we're still going around and around in circles because we're not feeling seen or heard.
[SPEAKER_04]: You would time it out and be like, okay, this isn't going anywhere.
[SPEAKER_04]: Let's get some sleep, we'll pick this up in the morning.
[SPEAKER_04]: There was a hesitancy at the very beginning to do that because I felt like once I had to deal with it because you wouldn't deal with it before.
[SPEAKER_04]: But you showed up every single time.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that was the key.
[SPEAKER_04]: Showing up when you say you're gonna do something, you have to do it because that's what then changes that pattern shifts that mindset, shifts that experience.
[SPEAKER_04]: So then I could start trusting that, okay, it's one in the morning, we will wake up, we'll grab a coffee, and then we'll sit down and talk about it.
[SPEAKER_04]: That morning.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, that's the power of integrity.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right, when you, integrity being you do what you say you're gonna do.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you, even if you're somebody that may not have a big past of integrity, you can restore it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's all about consistency.
[SPEAKER_05]: And no matter how uncomfortable it is, do it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, and I always say, who you were yesterday doesn't mean is who you are today.
[SPEAKER_04]: It is your, you can change, who you say who you want to be today and it shall be so.
[SPEAKER_04]: I am a hiker.
[SPEAKER_04]: I may start today, but I'm a hiker.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm choosing to be a hiker, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Your past does not define you unless you let it.
[SPEAKER_04]: And those that are not supporting talk about friendships and family who are constantly dragging you back to who you were and not living into who you are, that's those are the relationships you start cutting out.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I would say,
[SPEAKER_05]: Sometimes when you know, you know, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You just know, I need to let these people go.
[SPEAKER_05]: No.
[SPEAKER_05]: But if you're curious and you don't know, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Whether or not these are people that you should let go then have the conversation and say, listen, I know that this has kind of been who I've been.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: For...
[SPEAKER_05]: my whole life for this portion of my life that we've known each other, that's not who I want to be anymore.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you don't have to share your entire vision with them with who you want to be.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, you can if you want to, but just share what's comfortable just saying, you can just say, but I want to change, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: This is not working for me anymore.
[SPEAKER_05]: This lifestyle or this mindset or whatever it is, among those paths, I'd love to have your support.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And they will let you know in their response, their body language, whether it's there, shortly thereafter, where they stand in it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And if they're super supportive, then awesome.
[SPEAKER_05]: Then, you know, now that person's back in your corner, because maybe they weren't aware of what you were up to.
[SPEAKER_05]: and if they decide that they don't want to because it makes them feel a certain way about their life, is that happens to when you start to work on yourself and you grow and develop and those things that remind sometimes people of what they're not and what they could have been and then they kind of get
[SPEAKER_05]: Shitty.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know?
[SPEAKER_04]: And that was fair.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like, I am on AA meetings when people sit down and it's like, hi, my name is so and so.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm on alcoholic.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm like, what does stupid think to say?
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm sorry.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm going to say it.
[SPEAKER_04]: What does stupid think to say?
[SPEAKER_04]: No.
[SPEAKER_04]: I am not on alcoholic.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm choosing not to be.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm choosing not to have this relationship with alcohol.
[SPEAKER_04]: So therefore I am not.
[SPEAKER_04]: But when you speak that I am, therefore you are.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it's definitely not about, it's probably not about like forgetting, right, that there's a substance that has, you know, a bit of a power or something over you, but I agree that there needs to be an aspect of, yeah, I was.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, or I'm sober.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: My name is still in soul and I'm sober.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I've been sober for, yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's, you know what, yeah, that's a long, powerful, because that's living into who you are, not who you're not wanting to be.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: So, I agree.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah, that's.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because it is like the refrain.
[SPEAKER_04]: It is, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's same with when we're growing and changing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Again, do not let the past control your present or your future.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: If you choose to cut that piece of, it's not that you're cutting it out and for like, that it's not a part of you, because whatever you did, however you were, has shaped you to who you are today.
[SPEAKER_04]: So you can acknowledge it.
[SPEAKER_04]: However, you do not need to bring it to the forefront.
[SPEAKER_04]: You can then now start living, not from the past, but,
[SPEAKER_04]: from the present and into the future.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, it's, I think a lot of it lives within that neurolinguistic programming, you know, if you say something enough, then you believe it.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And if you are, and the people that you're around going back to that ecosystem piece, if you end or the ecosystem are constantly bringing in the past that you no longer want.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right, it's hard to then, it not, for it to no longer be a part of your future, because then it's always there.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not about forgetting the past, but it's about speaking and acting into the things that you want in the future, but doing it now.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because that's where we create our futures as we're here right now, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: That's the power of the present, is this is where it all happens, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Not.
[SPEAKER_05]: tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, going back to the importance of dealing with uncomfortable things now.
[SPEAKER_05]: And now doesn't mean resolving.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think that's an important piece.
[SPEAKER_05]: It doesn't mean resolving.
[SPEAKER_05]: It doesn't mean that I need to wait until I have a plan or what I know exactly how to solve this problem is.
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's start dealing with it right now.
[SPEAKER_05]: And maybe in dealing with it now, we come to the resolution right away, but maybe it's gonna take some time, but we need to start, and it's better to start now.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: So the same question for you is, what do you feel like an important part of communication that changed for you in where we've come over the last couple of years, what's something that you really leaned into?
[SPEAKER_04]: I think the biggest thing that I leaned into is like being afraid to ask something that I thought would make you upset and then not asking it and then having it faster and then having that
[SPEAKER_04]: big blow up after, because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
[SPEAKER_04]: So for me, it's like feeling, you said that.
[SPEAKER_04]: This comfort that fear, but it's less and less.
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, I don't fear coming and talking.
[SPEAKER_04]: to you, right, but I did before because I didn't want to upset you.
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't want you to make you feel a certain way because maybe you took it wrong, you know, publish an English and like, you know, language rights, never getting curious.
[SPEAKER_04]: I feel like you never really got curious of what actually I was saying.
[SPEAKER_04]: You took my words by what they were and then it was like, you know, hammer down your wrong.
[SPEAKER_04]: You're making me feel this way and so and so forth, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think it's just leaning into that, okay, maybe he might take it the wrong way, and maybe this isn't the best time, but we need to deal with it now, because we tend to wait too long.
[SPEAKER_04]: And this is, you know, when things are going great, but there's something festering inside.
[SPEAKER_05]: You don't want to disrupt.
[SPEAKER_04]: You don't want to disrupt.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: fucking disrupted.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because if you're in a good space, that little thing that you're going to deal with is going to be butter blip and then you're going to solve it and be like, wow, this was way less than what I thought it would be or and so on and so forth versus having that little ITPT spec tester and grow in the more you try to push down the bigger it grows, it grows until it
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, and then there's also what tends to happen is before that there's that critical mass that happens that forces the conversation to happen.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's all these little things that occur leading up to it, little microaggressions or little like, you know,
[SPEAKER_05]: that building up a resentment or little comments that are, you know, slight here and there, that then all of a sudden, don't create an environment that's like supportive.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's setting the stage for win-lues, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: We're both going to end up on the defensive.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so again, talking about it early, and I use the term a lot, I think, like speaking your truth,
[SPEAKER_05]: you absolutely leaning into speaking your truth.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, is both.
[SPEAKER_05]: not allowing things to fester.
[SPEAKER_05]: So dealing with it right away.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like you said, versus not holding onto it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then too, like a kettle, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: All the sudden I just hear that's the gravitational pull.
[SPEAKER_05]: But then also there's a part of, you will allow yourself to also be curious that even though you're feeling a certain way
[SPEAKER_05]: you also allow yourself to be open to that truth being different.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: So this is how I feel now because I'm missing information or you know we haven't been talking over whatever it is and then that's where you allow yourself to be patient after you've said your
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, the fact that, okay, it's like an invitation to, okay, change my mind and go or, or, or confirm right that my truth that I'm, I'm onto something here and I'm not just, you know, crazy.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, and that's the thing is like, that's the power of communication open and honest and not like what I feel like what shifted in our communication is that we're not.
[SPEAKER_04]: really bringing past situations into the present.
[SPEAKER_04]: We're dealing with
[SPEAKER_04]: the like what's so that whole what's so yeah right because once you start bringing well two years ago three years ago you did this or last week you did like then it just grows bigger there's no result no the result that's right right so really just focusing on what is so what the problem is not taking it
[SPEAKER_04]: like it's an attack on our entire relationship, not on, you know, the whole life, like our coexistence, because we tend to do that.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: It's literally just saying, hey, this particular situation, this particular conversation, this particular moment, made me feel the sway.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I want to talk about it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Did you mean it that way?
[SPEAKER_04]: Did you not mean it that way?
[SPEAKER_04]: Can you give me some contact?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because this is what I'm feeling.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then you're able to, you know, either agree or disagree and provide.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah, I think if, if anybody is trying to think about
[SPEAKER_05]: know, how do you navigate that?
[SPEAKER_05]: It's curiosity, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: When you're in those situations, that's another piece of communication, that thinks helped us both, is being curious about when something is said, and instead of taking it as gospel, and being a lining, if you say something that you said, you don't feel good enough for it, makes me feel a certain way.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, let's be curious about, you know, when you said this, what did you mean by that?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then that also brings awareness to maybe something that you said in the go, okay, you get to provide that context, which then all of a sudden,
[SPEAKER_05]: can either confirm or shift, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Whatever it is, the other person is thinking.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think that the curiosity is just another one of those very powerful tools for getting clarity on what is being said.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And because we do,
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, something could be triggering us from external other factors, something, you know, something with a friend, something at work.
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, traffic, whatever, a child.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then you're coming in without context, starting a conversation, and now one of us is getting triggered.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah, right, and it has nothing to do with the person.
[SPEAKER_04]: Everything to do with what happened before the conversation, but a lot of couples, a lot of people do not take that into consideration.
[SPEAKER_04]: That it's not always about you, you know, but we do when we're sitting one-on-one, and let's say I'm snappy or so you snappy,
[SPEAKER_04]: And then that gives us the opportunity to be like, actually, sorry, but it's not you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just felt this sort of, and then you just unload that piece, and then you can step back and say, hey, okay, let's, let's bring this here.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And the present takes a certain amount of awareness to be able to do that, to know that you're bringing
[SPEAKER_05]: that, you know, feelings, emotion, context from a completely different situation, person into the conversation that you're having now.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think that's very powerful to be able to do that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And takes practice, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Always.
[SPEAKER_04]: And giving each other a grace and space, then we're not gonna be perfect.
[SPEAKER_04]: You can't go and say, well, you said you will never do this again.
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, guess what?
[SPEAKER_04]: We're not perfect.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when we're trying, like when you can see that the person is trying to change, they will make mistakes.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I mean, it's when you're practicing anything.
[SPEAKER_05]: So when you're trying to develop new habits, when you're trying to practice communication
[SPEAKER_05]: If it doesn't work the first time or you screw it up, we have a tendency to like chastise, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Like we're on each other.
[SPEAKER_05]: But if, but if I said I want to learn how to play a new instrument and the first second time I pick it up,
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm not playing perfectly, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: We don't go, oh, you said you were going to play guitar or learn how to play the drums and luck.
[SPEAKER_05]: You suck.
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
[SPEAKER_05]: We don't do that.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's the same thing in our communication.
[SPEAKER_05]: So yeah, it's when we're learning how to communicate differently, we're always going to be up against the future that we want to have.
[SPEAKER_05]: in the relationship that we want, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: With our spouse, our friends, whatever it is, and that's always gonna be up against tension of what it has been.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so you need to allow that's where that messiness, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: You're talking about the beginning of this.
[SPEAKER_05]: The messiness is in the middle when you're making that transition from the not communicating clearly, and that causing a bunch of issues to getting into clear communication,
[SPEAKER_05]: There's a messy middle and there is no real finite time frame on it's going to take five days or five years, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's different.
[SPEAKER_04]: And as long as you're like moving the needle forward and you're practicing and practicing and practicing, at some point it's just going to click and it's going to be more natural.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Then, you know, stumbling, fumbling and so and so forth.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: Be consistent.
[SPEAKER_05]: do what you say you're going to do and have frequent conversations, not just about the uncomfortable things, but about the things that are working.
[SPEAKER_05]: And remind each other that, hey, we actually are making progress because, again, our brain loves to collect information that supports, you know, why things are not working.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's the key is looking in the mirror, get curious,
[SPEAKER_04]: own your own shit, own what you contributed to the situation, even if it was only 1%.
[SPEAKER_04]: Even yes, all not.
[SPEAKER_04]: And then move forward, because that will create trust, that will create an open, it's going to open doors for deeper connections, better communication, and a really healthy relationship.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, because all you can do is own your shit anyway.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you can't get caught up on, I'm gonna own mine and expect the other person to then own theirs.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: It creates an opportunity for that person to be enrolled and owning their stuff when you own yours.
[SPEAKER_05]: But it also is one of those things where it's like, if you're always owning your ship, like truly owning it, like not just saying, but doing the work and the other person's not, then that's probably one of those indications that, okay, I need to make room for the type of relationships where other people do own their stuff
[SPEAKER_05]: Exit the purpose.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, so yeah, yeah, this was great.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it was great Thanks for feels like a part one.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, part one for sure.
[SPEAKER_04]: Thanks for your vulnerability.
[SPEAKER_04]: You're open this Thanks for being you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Thanks for growing together.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, thank you, too.
[SPEAKER_05]: I acknowledge you for Being on this path You know together with me because God knows it'd be easy to just
[SPEAKER_04]: walk away.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, so it would be easier sometimes to walk away.
[SPEAKER_04]: I do the heavy design of it then you're a child too.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I'm grateful and I appreciate it for you being you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Me too for you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Until next time.
[SPEAKER_05]: Until next time.
[SPEAKER_04]: Bye.
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