WEBVTT 00:04.713 --> 00:29.059 [SPEAKER_00]: the constantly in fear of the podcast where we are absolutely fucking sure we don't know everything I am your host Kelsey there and coffee don'ts we are getting into it today baby that's right by the title you can tell this is going to be a saucy one a spicy one we're talking about the scariest ghost of all time I am not talking about Halloween coming up 00:34.400 --> 00:39.405 [SPEAKER_00]: of your ex and how they digitally can't seem to disappear. 00:40.006 --> 00:42.188 [SPEAKER_00]: But first, don't Google it. 00:42.308 --> 00:45.171 [SPEAKER_00]: Sure, that was the wrong button. 00:46.252 --> 00:51.958 [SPEAKER_00]: You might be watching this and think it goes a year on a different chair and you're right on youtube.com slash Kelsey Darry. 00:51.998 --> 00:56.002 [SPEAKER_00]: You could see that I am in fact sitting in a different chair because why? 00:57.263 --> 00:59.725 [SPEAKER_00]: I am moving things around again. 01:00.105 --> 01:05.488 [SPEAKER_00]: I had to take away my couch because why my cats pee don't it? 01:06.812 --> 01:29.076 [SPEAKER_00]: they're 15 turning 16 this year sometimes I say they're 16 but I think I do that to him the same way that I start telling people I'm your older that I actually am because I'm mentally trying to prep for that so I do it to my cats too apparently and they don't like change and I just cleared out my guest bedroom my third bedroom because I'm trying to make it a rentable space 01:37.598 --> 01:38.639 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I've been hinting at it. 01:39.079 --> 01:40.700 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I've been saying it a lot lately. 01:40.720 --> 01:43.602 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, just being like, should I go live in Germany for six months? 01:43.662 --> 01:46.964 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I have no children and no real real job. 01:47.444 --> 01:50.866 [SPEAKER_00]: And when else am I going to get to just sprawl like that? 01:50.946 --> 01:53.728 [SPEAKER_00]: And like let my adventure side lead. 01:54.588 --> 01:56.930 [SPEAKER_00]: And the only problem with that is I do have a lease. 01:58.050 --> 02:17.420 [SPEAKER_00]: So I do have to rent this place out if that's going to be a thing that I do So I've been moving things around and I moved the cats on to this side of the apartment because they were on that the other side Because hippo has to say separate for them because my cats hate dogs and when I moved them into here last week They didn't like that change 02:18.640 --> 02:29.884 [SPEAKER_00]: and Leo, I set up my little like like bulb camera and Leo peed all over the couch three times and different parts of the couch except for this one little tiny cushion so I'm using it. 02:31.025 --> 02:32.065 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't judge me, okay? 02:33.485 --> 02:39.348 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I have been also gearing up to launch the next book. 02:40.108 --> 02:45.690 [SPEAKER_00]: Pre-orders will be available soon and I am so finally able to announce 02:48.552 --> 02:50.735 [SPEAKER_00]: the title of the book. 02:50.755 --> 02:55.359 [SPEAKER_00]: I asked you guys for a couple of options and I'm going to tell you what I didn't go with first. 02:55.940 --> 03:03.228 [SPEAKER_00]: The first option and I'm still saving it because I think it's a great title, but I feel like I'm going to use it for something else in my life, but I was really stuck on it. 03:03.288 --> 03:04.649 [SPEAKER_00]: I was going to use it forever. 03:05.210 --> 03:06.411 [SPEAKER_00]: This was the lead title. 03:06.611 --> 03:07.312 [SPEAKER_00]: It was called 03:09.599 --> 03:14.923 [SPEAKER_00]: screaming, crying, throwing up, and other ways not to ruin your life after a breakup. 03:15.484 --> 03:16.325 [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's good! 03:17.506 --> 03:20.128 [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's good, and just me every day I'm like, should that be it? 03:20.628 --> 03:23.510 [SPEAKER_00]: Screaming, crying, throwing up, screaming, crying, it's so funny. 03:23.831 --> 03:24.331 [SPEAKER_00]: It's so great. 03:24.371 --> 03:25.552 [SPEAKER_00]: It's so visually interesting. 03:25.672 --> 03:26.653 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll catch your attention. 03:27.233 --> 03:31.997 [SPEAKER_00]: But I went with the real title, which is, do I have an actual drum roll? 03:32.398 --> 03:33.158 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I do. 03:33.899 --> 03:34.759 [SPEAKER_00]: Do I have a drum roll? 03:39.803 --> 03:40.224 [SPEAKER_00]: Here we go. 03:40.304 --> 03:49.018 [SPEAKER_00]: The actual title of the book is... Don't do what I did. 03:49.038 --> 03:51.563 [SPEAKER_00]: A guide to surviving your breakup. 03:52.629 --> 04:09.121 [SPEAKER_00]: right your girl with another don't title because when I was like writing and copy editing and finishing the edit of the book I was like God these are so many essays and stories of just things that I did so terribly and learned from. 04:09.521 --> 04:13.804 [SPEAKER_00]: The same way don't having panic was a big book of all that I've learned. 04:14.324 --> 04:16.085 [SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted this book to be the same. 04:16.185 --> 04:18.887 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's not as workbooky as the first one. 04:19.007 --> 04:24.110 [SPEAKER_00]: It is still a lot of journal prompts and writing included in the lessons. 04:24.611 --> 04:33.916 [SPEAKER_00]: But I wanted it to be a lot of like read something interesting and funny and devastating and relate to it and don't do what I did. 04:34.077 --> 04:37.479 [SPEAKER_00]: Learn from the mistakes I made through going through such 04:38.935 --> 04:40.376 [SPEAKER_00]: Tribulus breakups. 04:40.456 --> 04:41.097 [SPEAKER_00]: Is that a word? 04:43.519 --> 04:44.680 [SPEAKER_00]: Trials and tribulations. 04:44.820 --> 04:45.300 [SPEAKER_00]: Tribulus? 04:45.620 --> 04:46.261 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think so. 04:46.961 --> 04:49.643 [SPEAKER_00]: Look, don't Google it and don't do what I did, you know? 04:50.904 --> 04:52.125 [SPEAKER_00]: Why is it my butt working? 04:52.225 --> 04:53.506 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't Google it. 04:53.626 --> 04:56.349 [SPEAKER_00]: Sheesh, uh, the haunted board is back at her. 04:56.369 --> 04:57.309 [SPEAKER_00]: It was spooky season. 04:57.810 --> 05:02.253 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't do what I did is the title of the book and I cannot wait for you. 05:02.333 --> 05:03.394 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't see that crap. 05:04.592 --> 05:28.260 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited, uh, where I think we're going to try and make it in time for the holidays, but if it doesn't make the holiday run, then I think launching it for a Valentine's day release would be really good and fun, uh, guessing out as the season cuffing comes out and in, especially during winter season, it sweater weather baby and breakups, they happen. 05:29.220 --> 05:29.620 [SPEAKER_00]: They do. 05:31.061 --> 05:32.342 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I'm so excited. 05:32.583 --> 05:48.875 [SPEAKER_00]: And in that book, I talk a lot to about the detoxing process of going through a breakup and I thought it would be super fun to go through like a version of what I've written about with your ex. 05:49.355 --> 05:55.940 [SPEAKER_00]: still being so accessible and digitally available, so let's get right into it, shall we? 05:56.781 --> 06:01.645 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so yes, we are talking about the scariest ghost of all. 06:02.546 --> 06:04.347 [SPEAKER_00]: The digital one of your ex. 06:04.387 --> 06:04.727 [SPEAKER_00]: That's right. 06:04.747 --> 06:06.289 [SPEAKER_00]: You thought your actual ex is scary. 06:06.569 --> 06:07.129 [SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no. 06:07.269 --> 06:12.253 [SPEAKER_00]: The digital footprint of them is even scarier because it happens when you don't expect it. 06:12.714 --> 06:14.815 [SPEAKER_00]: It comes up in the most annoying ways. 06:15.276 --> 06:17.778 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the ex that won't die. 06:18.378 --> 06:22.480 [SPEAKER_00]: because the algorithm keeps resurrecting their bitch ass. 06:22.740 --> 06:23.260 [SPEAKER_00]: That's right. 06:23.700 --> 06:26.322 [SPEAKER_00]: Breakups back in the day, pre-social needs. 06:26.422 --> 06:26.842 [SPEAKER_00]: I was there. 06:27.062 --> 06:27.482 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember. 06:27.682 --> 06:28.322 [SPEAKER_00]: There was a time. 06:28.643 --> 06:28.923 [SPEAKER_00]: OK. 06:29.163 --> 06:31.424 [SPEAKER_00]: Your girl had A, I, M, you know. 06:31.744 --> 06:33.645 [SPEAKER_00]: She was the first generation of Max. 06:34.225 --> 06:39.488 [SPEAKER_00]: those big-ass colorful bubbles that used to sit on your desk, you just play the organ trail, all that jazz. 06:40.009 --> 06:47.494 [SPEAKER_00]: I was there, break-ups used to just be about giving them their hoodie back and blocking them, blocking their screen name. 06:47.554 --> 06:51.076 [SPEAKER_00]: But now your X is still in your friend group chat. 06:51.576 --> 06:54.137 [SPEAKER_00]: liking your TikToks from their burner account. 06:54.297 --> 06:56.438 [SPEAKER_00]: You might be having your own Finstah. 06:56.758 --> 07:05.341 [SPEAKER_00]: And they're constantly still showing up in that damn iPhone memory slide show. 07:05.781 --> 07:09.463 [SPEAKER_00]: You know the one I'm talking about, the three years ago todays. 07:10.443 --> 07:14.884 [SPEAKER_00]: fucking spell like a demon coming out of hell with Wi-Fi suddenly. 07:14.904 --> 07:35.891 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I was setting up my Mac to upgrade into whatever the new fucking what it there was even after like mountain ranges the the Sierra Nevada the Yosemite the fucking Berkshire's I don't know what it upgraded to but in its upgrade it gave me a home screen on my my 07:37.140 --> 07:43.642 [SPEAKER_00]: laptop, home screen, and it is synced with widgets to my photo albums. 07:44.242 --> 07:47.002 [SPEAKER_00]: But for some reason, I don't know how to organize them. 07:47.662 --> 07:52.364 [SPEAKER_00]: And constantly, photos of my axes are laughing. 07:53.604 --> 08:03.086 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, bro, I love having the widget there because I like seeing the cue photos, but how do I fucking filter those of anyone is a tech genius leave a comment 08:07.687 --> 08:34.078 [SPEAKER_00]: To grab your phone for this one, grab your freaking, your photo albums, grab whatever you need digitally that you can go through your iPad, get out your freaking streaming passwords, you're going to need them on hand and we're going to go get ourselves some digital closure because we are doing a full exorcism of our digital devices. 08:35.977 --> 08:37.538 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's first take inventory, shall we? 08:38.338 --> 08:47.704 [SPEAKER_00]: I started writing down some things in the book of surprising ex pop ups that happened within like, I don't know, a few months of writing the book. 08:48.644 --> 08:51.266 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's do this together, shall we raise your hand? 08:52.326 --> 08:57.589 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever broken up with someone, and then you still share a streaming password with them. 08:59.432 --> 09:05.949 [SPEAKER_00]: or your Venmo feed is still available for them to see or use to see their transactions. 09:07.400 --> 09:13.625 [SPEAKER_00]: or your Spotify still has them at it as a friend or shows up the playlist you guys made together. 09:14.326 --> 09:20.371 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we are living in that breakup purgatory hell, the group chat, the shared calendars. 09:20.491 --> 09:28.978 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, the Google Drive folder you guys had together of your family vacation when you did that crazy national park strip. 09:29.178 --> 09:30.940 [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, I'm being specific. 09:31.700 --> 09:36.464 [SPEAKER_00]: It is haunting all of us like the cursed relics that they are. 09:37.045 --> 09:38.146 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 09:38.166 --> 09:48.775 [SPEAKER_00]: I have had so many funny and honestly like humiliating digital ties that have come up while writing this book and I am embarrassed. 09:48.795 --> 09:56.081 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to out myself a lot in this episode and I don't care because you're going to learn a lot more about my crazy in the book. 09:56.141 --> 09:58.724 [SPEAKER_00]: So why not start here in my safe space? 09:59.585 --> 10:19.648 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, the most humiliating digital tie that I had from an ex would probably be that I was still following them from hippos account and was watching their stories from hippos account as if somehow they would think that's not me. 10:22.444 --> 10:24.908 [SPEAKER_00]: Like they would obviously know that is me. 10:25.008 --> 10:31.439 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I have definitely used this podcast Instagram to alert on some x is a hundred percent. 10:32.077 --> 10:35.979 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I've ever been outright caught lurking, right? 10:36.039 --> 10:53.389 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I've never had an X-C yet and then like screenshot it and be like, wow, thirsty much, but definitely I've seen where I have lurked from an account and then they have posted something very clearly directed at me or being ominous that they know I'm watching. 10:54.489 --> 11:17.176 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I've also, this isn't humiliating because the ex knew, but I've definitely had friends, just my writer died baddies who have still stayed friends with them and then screen-recorded anytime an ex like had a new story and would send it to me just because they know it would make me feel better and while I absolutely love them for it, that was not healthy. 11:17.196 --> 11:18.137 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay? 11:19.273 --> 11:20.994 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't ask your friends to do that. 11:21.615 --> 11:27.159 [SPEAKER_00]: If you just happen to be with them and they bust their phone out and they're like, oh, someone's so posted a story and you're like, oh, I got Larry, I think. 11:27.319 --> 11:36.625 [SPEAKER_00]: That's one thing, but when they know your anxiety is so bad that they're screen recording it so that you get like a daily update, that's not healthy, girl. 11:37.566 --> 11:39.027 [SPEAKER_00]: We all, that ain't healthy, girl. 11:39.107 --> 11:39.748 [SPEAKER_00]: We all know that. 11:41.929 --> 11:42.590 [SPEAKER_00]: And let me tell you, 11:43.568 --> 11:52.311 [SPEAKER_00]: All of this is to say, when I have cut those digital cords, it has felt so freaking good. 11:52.651 --> 12:02.035 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and that's not just for an X. That is for following someone that doesn't make me feel good online when I watch them. 12:02.055 --> 12:03.916 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not that they're doing anything this is early to me. 12:03.976 --> 12:10.238 [SPEAKER_00]: It just makes me feel less than or, you know, not responding to people that reach out. 12:10.938 --> 12:15.342 [SPEAKER_00]: asking for things that aren't like friends or they just pop up when they need something. 12:15.742 --> 12:24.168 [SPEAKER_00]: Cutting those cords always feels better after doing it, but is very hard to do in the moment. 12:24.328 --> 12:25.770 [SPEAKER_00]: And I completely understand. 12:25.850 --> 12:28.412 [SPEAKER_00]: So in the book, I talk about the psychology of holding on. 12:29.192 --> 12:33.335 [SPEAKER_00]: And I really wanted to dive into like, why do we do this? 12:34.116 --> 12:35.517 [SPEAKER_00]: Why do we stay so tethered? 12:35.537 --> 12:35.597 [SPEAKER_00]: And 12:36.978 --> 12:58.903 [SPEAKER_00]: why are we so plagued with this experience because we were not having to see our exes in such a digital footprinty way, you know, a decade ago and how much it has changed, you know, it was a slow creep, it started with the AIMs and then it was like, you know, texting and then it was the Facebook 13:04.325 --> 13:07.087 [SPEAKER_00]: Uh, and now it's freaking group chats. 13:07.288 --> 13:09.169 [SPEAKER_00]: It's fantasy football leagues. 13:09.330 --> 13:11.772 [SPEAKER_00]: It is things shared albums. 13:11.812 --> 13:15.276 [SPEAKER_00]: Like just shit that I'm like, I thought I got it all. 13:15.756 --> 13:17.798 [SPEAKER_00]: And something is always popping up. 13:18.279 --> 13:23.164 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I can tell you exactly why we are holding on too long. 13:23.564 --> 13:26.187 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is because we are little. 13:26.608 --> 13:43.191 [SPEAKER_00]: dopamine junkies come on you know that we did an episode just about dopamine a few weeks ago if you haven't listened to that episode you absolutely should the science of dopamine is so fascinating to me and seeing our x in any way digitally 13:43.952 --> 13:45.013 [SPEAKER_00]: gives us a hit of our drug. 13:45.273 --> 13:47.355 [SPEAKER_00]: It is sending us a hit of serotonin. 13:48.076 --> 13:53.941 [SPEAKER_00]: And the brain says, ooh, closure extended, I'll take that. 13:54.601 --> 13:57.604 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes, healing, move, move that to next week. 13:57.684 --> 13:58.405 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have time. 13:58.625 --> 14:00.787 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, give me the memory instead. 14:00.867 --> 14:06.372 [SPEAKER_00]: I would so much rather live in the nostalgia of a relationship than live in the pain of 14:06.992 --> 14:08.452 [SPEAKER_00]: having that relationship end. 14:08.692 --> 14:17.374 [SPEAKER_00]: And even though I am now years past, like, my relationship with Jared, the DJ, I still find myself going like, oh, like, we're good friends. 14:17.414 --> 14:18.654 [SPEAKER_00]: I talk to them all the time. 14:19.435 --> 14:26.576 [SPEAKER_00]: And even still when something pops up, I'll be like, oh, my sweet Jared, like, I have nothing but love, but that's still a dopamine hit. 14:27.096 --> 14:27.416 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 14:27.496 --> 14:29.517 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're not in that good place with your 14:35.978 --> 14:58.032 [SPEAKER_00]: pain and withdrawal, you know, we've evolved for a village of, you know, our close community, not for a phone to be reminding us of every person we've ever met and be able to facially ID them so that it can remind us of our lives. 14:58.072 --> 15:00.834 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we were not, our brains have not evolved to that yet. 15:01.054 --> 15:01.355 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 15:01.435 --> 15:04.277 [SPEAKER_00]: We're still working on getting like a better thumb for us to text with. 15:05.177 --> 15:10.621 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's figure out the carpal tunnel first before we're dopamine hacking our brains with our exes. 15:10.681 --> 15:12.222 [SPEAKER_00]: A guy, the algorithm is too strong. 15:13.202 --> 15:26.891 [SPEAKER_00]: And the last time that I feel like I did a healthy cleanse from my ex was with sir, if you guys remember him, we try not to remember. 15:26.911 --> 15:30.874 [SPEAKER_00]: I was slippery like the first week after the breakup. 15:31.354 --> 15:41.808 [SPEAKER_00]: And then once I was out there, like back out in the world, and not in so much pain, I really was able to just be like, out of sight out of mind. 15:42.647 --> 15:45.729 [SPEAKER_00]: And it, I wasn't curious to check in on him. 15:45.789 --> 15:48.571 [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't curious to know what he was up to, what he was posting. 15:48.611 --> 15:51.554 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I genuinely didn't care. 15:51.674 --> 16:00.960 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, wow, as soon as you can get them out of your visual mind, you can start to heal from them. 16:03.242 --> 16:05.644 [SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like I also did a thing a lot. 16:06.623 --> 16:14.733 [SPEAKER_00]: with my younger self, like in my 20s and those relationships, I tried to stay digitally friends with an ex. 16:16.073 --> 16:17.374 [SPEAKER_00]: Or not even like friends. 16:17.514 --> 16:19.835 [SPEAKER_00]: I just try to be like, I'm more mature. 16:19.855 --> 16:24.238 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't need to delete or on friend or block them because I'm totally cool and chill. 16:24.378 --> 16:25.619 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not that bad. 16:26.219 --> 16:31.922 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was lying to my fucking self about how bad that actually hurt. 16:32.363 --> 16:41.268 [SPEAKER_00]: Like the best thing we can do for ourselves in that healing era is block and delete, baby, block and delete. 16:42.159 --> 17:06.165 [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, it's always dangerous to if you don't do the block and delete game because when you're checking and stalking and lurking as hard as net like you do when you're in pain, you are at risk of the accidental like you are at risk at the of the accidental reply, oh, hi, Leo, we are at risk of of touching buttons and making our presence known in a way that will. 17:07.125 --> 17:13.217 [SPEAKER_00]: absolutely spike our heart rate and cause us to spiral in a very unhealthy way. 17:14.279 --> 17:15.441 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, 17:16.543 --> 17:25.489 [SPEAKER_00]: watching their profile too, like our brains will turn anything they're posting into be about us in the breakup phase. 17:26.090 --> 17:30.873 [SPEAKER_00]: Like any period of time post breakup, we're watching to be like, did they miss me? 17:31.494 --> 17:32.414 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they still love me? 17:32.734 --> 17:33.615 [SPEAKER_00]: Are they thinking about me? 17:33.715 --> 17:35.116 [SPEAKER_00]: Are they in as much pain as we are? 17:35.516 --> 17:36.697 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's all an eagle loop. 17:36.857 --> 17:39.359 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you might not even want them back, but you just 17:45.263 --> 17:51.505 [SPEAKER_00]: emotional CSEO, you know, that's just like, or I need to stay in the top. 17:51.685 --> 17:53.685 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to be the first thing. 17:54.326 --> 17:57.847 [SPEAKER_00]: And like, it hurts a lot when you're not in the first thing anymore. 17:58.067 --> 18:02.508 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, when you start to see them healing, you start to be like, with the fuck. 18:02.588 --> 18:04.028 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't sign up for that. 18:04.088 --> 18:05.029 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not what I was talking about. 18:05.069 --> 18:06.069 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I didn't ask for. 18:06.709 --> 18:08.930 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we don't often, 18:09.850 --> 18:14.996 [SPEAKER_00]: want closure when we are in pain from a breakup. 18:15.096 --> 18:18.820 [SPEAKER_00]: We want confirmation that we are the best thing that it wrapped to them. 18:19.621 --> 18:20.963 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, put that on a t-shirt. 18:21.023 --> 18:23.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, will be right back after this quick break. 18:31.132 --> 18:34.615 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, let's talk about the group chat dilemma. 18:34.655 --> 18:36.317 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, there are two types of group chat. 18:36.557 --> 18:48.627 [SPEAKER_00]: One, the friendship chat, where they are still friends with your friends, and to the couples crossover chat, which is multiples, mutual stuck in a custody battle of being friends with you. 18:51.830 --> 19:02.316 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be alarmed if next time you go to type in like a friend's name and their name also pops up because you were in a group chat with those people. 19:02.737 --> 19:14.644 [SPEAKER_00]: The amount of times I still type in someone's name that was a mutual friend and it pops up their name and I nearly text a group chat from like five six years ago. 19:17.205 --> 19:40.800 [SPEAKER_00]: is such a stomach sinking feeling, and mutuals, that's one of those things where, you know, it's a tough situation to handle, because it very rarely do you have friends that were equally invested in both of you, like another couple, right, like usually it gets gendered or it gets chronological, like who knew them first, 19:45.383 --> 19:53.148 [SPEAKER_00]: those group chats can be, you know, weird right after a breakup because they can go just like completely radio silent. 19:53.488 --> 19:55.750 [SPEAKER_00]: And that doesn't mean you can't start your own group chat. 19:56.010 --> 19:57.651 [SPEAKER_00]: And like I like to make a joke out of it. 19:57.991 --> 20:08.638 [SPEAKER_00]: I'd like to like start a new group chat without the X and it and just be like, so if you don't mind pinning this one as it's, you know, separate group chat, that would be very helpful for my healing. 20:08.678 --> 20:09.399 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you very much. 20:09.699 --> 20:22.145 [SPEAKER_00]: And also you have the ability, oh, I can't tell you how bad it hurts when a group chat pops off with your ex in it and your ex just never responds and you're like, yeah, they're doing that because I'm in here. 20:22.485 --> 20:25.246 [SPEAKER_00]: That fucking thing's wrong. 20:25.326 --> 20:28.627 [SPEAKER_00]: That's so embarrassing and that hurts so bad. 20:29.008 --> 20:35.230 [SPEAKER_00]: So just be the first person to exit, leave it if it's not, you know, 20:38.952 --> 20:53.257 [SPEAKER_00]: you know, a big group chat for like a league or whatever, just be the first one to gracefully exit and ask a friend's opinion on this side because the worst is when you feel like you're healing and then you see their name pop on your phone and it's for a fucking group chat. 20:53.617 --> 20:54.297 [SPEAKER_00]: It makes me want to die. 20:54.317 --> 20:55.797 [SPEAKER_00]: The group chat is supposed to be Switzerland, okay? 20:55.817 --> 20:57.118 [SPEAKER_00]: It's supposed to be neutral territory. 20:58.167 --> 21:02.551 [SPEAKER_00]: But even Switzerland I'm sure is like, we, we don't want to pick sets. 21:02.771 --> 21:05.173 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, just let this also be all of our safe space. 21:05.794 --> 21:10.598 [SPEAKER_00]: So give yourself permission to leave those chats and it doesn't have to be dramatic. 21:10.998 --> 21:11.919 [SPEAKER_00]: That can just be self care. 21:13.648 --> 21:28.540 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so we also need a ritual, and I talk about this in the book about doing a sort of purge, if you will, like in my opinion, the sooner the better, the better you, 21:31.743 --> 21:34.585 [SPEAKER_00]: get at doing no contact directly after breakups. 21:35.025 --> 21:42.329 [SPEAKER_00]: The more data you're going to receive in seeing how how much better you feel and how much easier it is to heal when they're out of sight out of mind. 21:42.750 --> 21:50.775 [SPEAKER_00]: Like to just go cold turkey, I know is the hardest fucking thing, but the ritual of it can be powerful in itself. 21:51.775 --> 22:06.653 [SPEAKER_00]: And when you get those little cravings, those little like dopamine, requests popping up, like, go check his profile, go see what they're up to, go check, see if you're still friends with their mom on Facebook, which my mom is still friends with a couple of my ex-zone Facebook, and I got to get a handle on that. 22:07.574 --> 22:30.773 [SPEAKER_00]: It you're not going to respond and react to it because you don't need to, but when you're constantly just speeding yourself just a little bit enough of being digitally connected to them sharing photo albums something pops up on your fucking TV screen saver when you have to constantly log in and ask them for a one time password because you split this or that service it is not worth the 1299 or whatever subscription cost it is to keep splitting it. 22:31.473 --> 22:38.659 [SPEAKER_00]: So my expertise in this arena is doing a digital exorcism. 22:39.120 --> 22:41.241 [SPEAKER_00]: So first is the purge, right? 22:41.341 --> 22:48.527 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm talking about digital photos, put them in an album or put them on a thumb drive out of your eyesight. 22:48.728 --> 22:49.068 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 22:49.708 --> 22:52.110 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a whole hidden folder with 22:52.851 --> 22:56.894 [SPEAKER_00]: an X that I really don't care for, and I don't even look at it. 22:57.054 --> 22:59.836 [SPEAKER_00]: I just know if I need to look at photos from that time. 22:59.856 --> 23:00.917 [SPEAKER_00]: They're there. 23:00.937 --> 23:06.781 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't even, I'm so removed and like grossed out by this person that I don't even check that album, but I know that it's there. 23:06.821 --> 23:07.341 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean? 23:09.082 --> 23:25.646 [SPEAKER_00]: Also playlists, that's another big thing we got to, we got to purge through those drafts of of anything that's like in your Google Drive shared folders, any projects you had together, then we're going to block. 23:26.246 --> 23:27.206 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, this is the fun part. 23:27.226 --> 23:28.547 [SPEAKER_00]: This is the block party as we say. 23:28.587 --> 23:33.168 [SPEAKER_00]: You can throw a little part of your friends, get some chip, get some dip, do outside, play some good tunes. 23:38.649 --> 23:43.231 [SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't need to be dramatic, but do everything you can possibly think of. 23:43.331 --> 23:51.413 [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking the Ticketie Talks, the IGs, the phone number, snap, freaking, unsure those albums. 23:51.773 --> 24:00.956 [SPEAKER_00]: And honestly, the most annoying thing is when like they also are using you to stay connected, like, oh, hey, what's that password? 24:01.056 --> 24:02.257 [SPEAKER_00]: Like get ahead of all of it. 24:03.086 --> 24:12.402 [SPEAKER_00]: give them all the passwords untether yourself so that you don't have to deal with their messiness because we know they are not going to be like type A like I was doing that shit on their own. 24:13.535 --> 24:19.598 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but in its place, we get to add a whole bunch of fun, cool, creative new energy, right? 24:19.638 --> 24:30.762 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, all your wallpapers are going to be brand new, your phone screen, your computer screen, you're making new bad, bitch playlists, you're cycling in new emojis. 24:30.782 --> 24:34.684 [SPEAKER_00]: That was another thing is like I tended to use a lot of the same kinds of emojis with my lover. 24:35.204 --> 25:04.811 [SPEAKER_00]: And I needed to get it out of like the recently used so use a bunch of new fun sparkly cute fun emojis that make you feel happy and after all of this I like to do one bad bitch like total thirst trap post and it's not hopes that they will see it that's just more for like me as a reclamation and if their friends just happen to see and talk about how good it looks next time they're with my eggs shit I can't stop them and can't stop them. 25:07.012 --> 25:16.859 [SPEAKER_00]: The best ritual of all of that process that I can say was taking the big massive amount of time. 25:17.440 --> 25:30.049 [SPEAKER_00]: It took one weekend to really put all of my photos in one spot and give those drives to friends of mine that I knew would hold on to them until I was ready to take them back. 25:30.789 --> 25:35.852 [SPEAKER_00]: years later I asked for it back and it just sits in a nice moment to draw that I have knowing that I have it. 25:35.992 --> 25:37.633 [SPEAKER_00]: I never get the urge to look at it. 25:37.673 --> 25:40.094 [SPEAKER_00]: I never like, oh, let me take it out. 25:40.674 --> 25:59.164 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, for instance, I had recorded myself listening to, this was for the book for Connor for the book, listening to myself going through a box of like love letters that my axe and I had written to 26:00.441 --> 26:05.122 [SPEAKER_00]: And reading them, it just was like, it didn't really feel that good. 26:05.182 --> 26:22.327 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I cried not because I was sad, but I was more just like, I'm happy that that happened and I'm sad for the girl that existed in that space that felt so heartbroken and I'm more so just like wanted to move on. 26:22.728 --> 26:27.069 [SPEAKER_00]: I genuinely, once I once you separate yourself from all that stuff, 26:27.889 --> 26:32.363 [SPEAKER_00]: you will move on, but you have to actually separate in order to be able to move on. 26:33.597 --> 26:38.498 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and no one also talks about, I swear to God, our FBI friends are listening to us. 26:38.658 --> 26:45.900 [SPEAKER_00]: All of the algorithms spies, because I swear to God, before you page, does not mind its own business. 26:46.480 --> 26:51.961 [SPEAKER_00]: It picks up on the times I'm crying because that bitch will start feeding me shit in my for you page. 26:52.342 --> 26:57.703 [SPEAKER_00]: That is like reclaim yourself now, go wonder last or like, 26:58.443 --> 27:05.187 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you need a, you know, it's just sends me so much self care bullshit that I'm like, how do you fucking know. 27:05.727 --> 27:06.628 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you fucking know? 27:06.988 --> 27:10.970 [SPEAKER_00]: And also I swear it'd be sending me relationship TikToks. 27:11.570 --> 27:15.973 [SPEAKER_00]: It'd be showing me Proposal videos that I'm like, why am I here? 27:16.073 --> 27:16.653 [SPEAKER_00]: How did this? 27:17.513 --> 27:18.474 [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't been watching. 27:18.534 --> 27:19.435 [SPEAKER_00]: So why is it here? 27:20.815 --> 27:23.256 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, it's the same thing with iPhone, right? 27:23.456 --> 27:30.199 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, I wasn't thinking about them until you gave me a curated, sound playlist, fricking slideshow. 27:30.739 --> 27:48.867 [SPEAKER_00]: Gally, I will say though that like capitalism be capitalizing because clearly that's what they do is they pray on the moments of grief and we'll send us stuff when you don't need it and like we're in that vulnerable space and we're like, you 27:49.027 --> 27:56.132 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna buy this thing because it's self-care and it's like, babe, we're just avoiding, okay? 27:56.332 --> 27:57.533 [SPEAKER_00]: We're just bypassing grief. 27:57.573 --> 28:05.099 [SPEAKER_00]: We're just trying to not feel it by spending or splurging, like there are so many ways that capitalism prays on pain. 28:05.899 --> 28:27.068 [SPEAKER_00]: that I mean like that's why I really I created the retreat when we did it because I was so sick of like signing out for classes and courses and I was like I'm gonna put on retreat it's gonna be the most fucking helpful thing that has ever existed and I like say what it was very helpful for a lot of people and I'm proud of it um so we have to reframe right so we know we can't delete 28:28.008 --> 28:35.696 [SPEAKER_00]: our way out of heartbreak, but we can delete to make space for who we are going to become, right? 28:36.137 --> 28:43.264 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we don't reclaim that little piece of digital footprint back, that goes to our x. That's not ours anymore. 28:43.665 --> 28:47.749 [SPEAKER_00]: And every time we delete something, that is proof, 28:48.570 --> 28:51.491 [SPEAKER_00]: That closure is self made, right? 28:51.531 --> 28:57.413 [SPEAKER_00]: Like as soon as we take the power back and as soon as we do the hard thing, that does give you power. 28:57.493 --> 29:07.057 [SPEAKER_00]: So in a weird way, like the leading and doing this purge and detox digitally of a relationship is an act of self love. 29:08.226 --> 29:29.133 [SPEAKER_00]: And I like to think about these questions when I'm going through that process, like what would it look like to be the version of myself who doesn't need to prove that I'm healed or what would that look like if I didn't need to be the person that needs to prove to everybody else that they've moved on from an X like 29:29.933 --> 29:31.894 [SPEAKER_00]: What would that look like? 29:32.214 --> 29:49.759 [SPEAKER_00]: What story do I want to tell the world and and does it need to be authentic, doesn't need to be performative, doesn't need to be, you know, I just wonder if I didn't worry so much about what the X would think, what would the healed version of myself look like online? 29:49.979 --> 29:52.640 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I tried to come from that place. 29:54.001 --> 29:56.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so here's your homework, right? 29:57.044 --> 30:04.713 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I want you to do one act that we've talked about in this episode of digital self-respect, right? 30:04.873 --> 30:11.280 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's going back in your playlist archive, maybe it's deleting old chats even with your ex. 30:12.081 --> 30:24.758 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's finally changing a password that you still share with somebody and once you've done that, I want you to DM me at confidently pod and tell me what thing you did and how it felt. 30:25.519 --> 30:26.761 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, was it freeing? 30:27.522 --> 30:28.663 [SPEAKER_00]: Was it scary? 30:28.723 --> 30:29.723 [SPEAKER_00]: Was it catastrophic? 30:29.763 --> 30:31.164 [SPEAKER_00]: Was it so amazing? 30:31.204 --> 30:32.545 [SPEAKER_00]: Was it revelatory? 30:32.925 --> 30:36.047 [SPEAKER_00]: Did it lead you down a whole Marie condoing of in your entire life? 30:37.128 --> 30:38.688 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and hey, why not? 30:38.929 --> 30:40.810 [SPEAKER_00]: Share this episode with a friend that might be struggling. 30:41.250 --> 30:42.090 [SPEAKER_00]: You know I'm here for you. 30:42.150 --> 30:48.674 [SPEAKER_00]: You know I am trying to always be like the big sister of the internet telling you, hey, don't do what I did. 30:48.694 --> 30:53.017 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't wait for the fans to come out as many so far. 30:53.708 --> 31:05.963 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you guys to really learn from me, so send this to a friend that is definitely still lurking in their access comments, and yes, this has been confidently in the care of the podcast where we're absolutely sure we don't know everything. 31:06.733 --> 31:09.595 [SPEAKER_00]: And I do feel like I do know a lot about breakups at this point. 31:09.755 --> 31:11.976 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm excited to share all of this with you. 31:12.616 --> 31:18.419 [SPEAKER_00]: So leave a comment below about how you digitally detoxed from an X. What was the hardest part? 31:18.519 --> 31:19.500 [SPEAKER_00]: What was the easiest? 31:19.540 --> 31:20.040 [SPEAKER_00]: Did it work? 31:20.561 --> 31:21.921 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you still working on it? 31:22.402 --> 31:25.823 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you just not scroll that far back enough to let the pain hit? 31:26.244 --> 31:30.806 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you get a feeling the way I do when you zoom out of photos where you know there's going to be that whole chunk of time? 31:30.826 --> 31:31.807 [SPEAKER_00]: We're like, oh, god, okay. 31:31.847 --> 31:33.067 [SPEAKER_00]: We're entering X territory. 31:33.468 --> 31:34.148 [SPEAKER_00]: Or do you not even think 31:34.208 --> 31:35.330 [SPEAKER_00]: about this, am I crazy? 31:35.390 --> 31:38.013 [SPEAKER_00]: Am I attached to deeply to romantic digital love? 31:39.775 --> 31:40.416 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, coffee knots. 31:40.436 --> 31:41.858 [SPEAKER_00]: That's all I got for you this week. 31:42.599 --> 31:43.420 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next week. 31:43.780 --> 31:44.281 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye!