Fly On The Wall: Governor Huckabee Meets Beyonce

 

(Mike Huckabee has placed his neatly packed luggage on the luggage rack. He has removed his red, white and blue pajamas. While clipping his toenails, he is sitting on the side of the hotel bed. There’s a knock at the door. ”Room Service,” the voice on the other side of the door shouts.)

Huckabee: It’s open.

(It’s a hotel that’s owned by a Christian firm and so there is no need for locked doors. In walks President Obama and Sarah Palin. Obama is wearing a fur coat that reaches his ankles and a fur hat. Rings cover every finger. When the Prez opens his mouth, Huck can spot a couple of gold teeth. Sarah Palin is wearing a mink jacket, cowboy boots, and a Stetson. She wears some hot red short shorts and whether she is wearing a bra is left to the imagination.)

Gov. Huckabee: Why, Mr. President, Governor Palin, I...I don’t know what to say...I…and Mr. President I apologize for what I said--

Obama: Forget about it. And you can call me by what my close friends call me.

Huck: What is that Mr. President?

Obama: Hussein. Call me Hussein--

(Huck notices Gov. Palin’s black eye.)

Huck: Gov. Palin, what happened to your eye?

Palin: Oh, that. Well me and the guys and gals were bar hopping in Fairbanks the other night and some asshole says something about Trig, and we jumped him, but we didn’t come here to talk about my brawling in bars, we have a surprise for you.

(Obama snaps his fingers and suddenly Beyonce is sitting on Huck’s lap. One can say that she is not overdressed.)

Palin: They don’t call him the Magic Negro for nothing.

(Beyonce places  her arms around Huck’s neck. One part of his anatomy has remained pagan and gives Beyonce a vigorous salute. He dumps her onto the floor and begins to pray. Obama places his arms over his face like Bela Lugosi when shown a cross.)

Palin: What in the hell is wrong with you, Huck, you know that Obama is the antichrist? He don’t take to no prayers. Is this the way you pay him for his generosity? Every time the man reaches out to us Republicans we shun him. Dagumit.

(Beyonce gets up. Brushes off what little clothes she is wearing.)

Beyonce: I thought that you guys said that he was ready to party. And that if we got him away from the base and the cameras he’d get down.

(Beyonce heads for the door.)

Huck: No wait. That dance that you do. The one that corrupts young minds.

Beyonce: You mean this. And that. Or this here.

(Huck begins to sweat. Beyonce takes Huckabee’s hand and leads him into a dance. Obama and Palin join in. Huck is awkward at first but begins to groove. Palin nestles her head against the president’s chest. She looks up.)

Palin: Mr. President. Would you sing one of those songs that you sing to the Negroes?

President: Of course, Sarah.

(A rhythm section materializes. Dum Da Dum a Dum a Dum a Dum a Dum a Dum a Dum. The president starts singing.)

President: “There is something on your mind / By the way you look at me / There is something on your mind, honey / By the way you look at me”

Palin: Mmmmm. This is better than the NBA…

Huck: Why I haven’t had such fun since I was cooking squirrels in college. I hope that Jesus isn’t looking.

Beyonce: Jesus ain’t studying about you. You a freak just like the rest of them old two-faced--

Aide to Huck: Gov, wake up. Wake up. Gov. We’ll be late for the rally.

(Huckabee is roused from his sleep. Sits up. His pajamas are drenched. The bed is very damp.)

Gov: I.. I...need a Coke.

Aide: Right away, Gov.

(Aide exits. Gov. jumps up from the bed. Laying there is a blonde weave.)